Moses Hires Amish To Build New Ark Of The Covenant

Moses With Blue Prints For New Ark

Moses With Blue Prints For New Ark

In thrilling news today Moses, the man to whom God gave the Ten Commandments, announced he has begun construction on a new Ark of the Covenant and has hired the Amish to help him do it. “I’ve been wanting to do this for a while now,” said Moses. “I can not tell you how pissed off I was when I heard the first Ark had gotten lost back in the day. I mean that thing wasn’t a toy. You could literally knock down a mountain with this fiery shit that blasted out of it. And God help you if you ever opened it: Burnt to ashes you were! I don’t know what happened to it, but I looked and I couldn’t find it. And you can believe me, if I couldn’t find it, it ain’t ever gonna be found.

Amish Building New Ark Of The Covenant

Amish Building New Ark Of The Covenant

A few days ago, I was rummaging through my sock drawer and found the original notes I made as God was dictating the Commandments to me. There actually were 14 at first but I convinced Him ten was a more reasonable number if He expected people to remember them. I hired these Amish fellas I know to help me rebuild the Ark so I can keep these notes in it, as my sock drawer isn’t really appropriate. These guys can whip up a barn in like a day, so we should have the new Ark finished before Christmas.”

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27 thoughts on “Moses Hires Amish To Build New Ark Of The Covenant

  1. I thought the commandments were 15?
    Why not just get the commandments in a flash-drive or CD?

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    • Oh, you silly child! The Commandments were written by god LONG before he ever heard of “flash drives”. Silly man. And the ark is POWERFUL!!! Haven’t you seen “Raiders of the Lost Ark”? What, do you think they were just making that stuff up?! Gather TruFaith, and all is real. Well, all you want to be real is real, I mean. 😀

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    • Hahaha. Times have changed, he could email all of us a copy of the correct commandments

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    • God doesn’t own a computer, silly goose. He uses advanced communication techniques like burning bushes and white Holy Spirit doves. Let’s see you try that Mr. Technologically savvy guy! 😀

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    • They said everything belongs to god, weren’t computers included?

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    • Man made those with his free will even though god knew it before hand. So, man really has no free will even though he really does because of Satan. Hope that clears everything up nicely for you. Have a great day and please, send 10% of your salary to your local church. $Amen$

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    • Can I ask my church for a refund on the money I used to contribute as offering now that am no longer a member.
      Christians confuse me. On the one hand god is all powerful on the other we have freewill to do as we please and then get punished for choosing one way or the other

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    • It is you who are confused. Once you have TruFaith you will know the truth. Your will is free even though it isn’t and, even though god is a psychotic murdering genocidal maniac, he only behaves that way because of you. Oh, he loves you too. Now, I’ll leave you with your conscious so you can feel bad about not seeing these really clear ideas clearly.

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    • It is mind boggling how to be a christian

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    • Not if you imagine it isn’t and all those who doubt you are evil, stupid dumb dumbs!

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    • It doesn’t get easier

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    • If you use your free will and have TruFaith, it does. (How the fuck do people actually believe this shit. It’s annoying even to make up?)

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    • Sad thing is they don’t make it up. They actually believe it

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    • Oh, just because they actually believe it doesn’t make it any less made up. It just makes them delusional psychopaths for believing it. Tax-exempt psychopaths, but psychopaths nonetheless.

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    • when you call them deluded psychopaths they throw huge tantrums

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    • What psychopath wouldn’t? They hate being called out on it. What enrages christians is to not have their asses kissed for being christians. They feel their belief should protect them from having to answer for the nonsense they believe and we are horrible people to question them. They’re offended because deep down their consciousness is whispering to them, “What you believe is crazy!” No one is REALLY a theist. No one. Afraid of dying and not being immortal perhaps, but no one deep in their mind truly believes in god. Tell that to your christian pals if you really want to see a tantrum.

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    • It would be best to tell them we are agreed we all fear dying at some time on our life but we don’t need to believe in ridiculous things just because we are afraid

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    • You can tell them that, but you’ll get an angry lecture about how wrong you are. Just tell ’em they don’t really believe cause theism doesn’t REALLY exist. I started doing that because I was forever being told atheism doesn’t really exist and I really do believe in their god, even though I do not. A little reversal like this enrages them. Try it, but duck when you do, cause fists will fly.

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    • Haha.
      That is an interesting twist

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    • Try it. It’s fun and a great way to insult them when they’re insulting you. I take great offense when christians assume they can define me better than I can myself, so I toss it back on them. I’ve literally had fists thrown at me when I have. Not at all loving, eh?

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    • that is tough love

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    • Well, it’s tough, but I wouldn’t call it love.

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  2. Remember to post photos when it’s made.

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  3. Don’t know if it helps but I’ve had the original in the shed for years now – I found it useful for storing me mum’s ashes in. Your welcome to it if you find it might come in handy.

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  4. The biggest surprise here for me is that God wears socks. I did not know.

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