In thrilling news today Moses, the man to whom God gave the Ten Commandments, announced he has begun construction on a new Ark of the Covenant and has hired the Amish to help him do it. “I’ve been wanting to do this for a while now,” said Moses. “I can not tell you how pissed off I was when I heard the first Ark had gotten lost back in the day. I mean that thing wasn’t a toy. You could literally knock down a mountain with this fiery shit that blasted out of it. And God help you if you ever opened it: Burnt to ashes you were! I don’t know what happened to it, but I looked and I couldn’t find it. And you can believe me, if I couldn’t find it, it ain’t ever gonna be found.
A few days ago, I was rummaging through my sock drawer and found the original notes I made as God was dictating the Commandments to me. There actually were 14 at first but I convinced Him ten was a more reasonable number if He expected people to remember them. I hired these Amish fellas I know to help me rebuild the Ark so I can keep these notes in it, as my sock drawer isn’t really appropriate. These guys can whip up a barn in like a day, so we should have the new Ark finished before Christmas.”