There Really Are No Theists

If you really think about it, in a rhetorical, circular, big-worded, masturbatory sort of way, no one could REALLY be a “theist”. Though there are those who claim they believe in a god, everyone REALLY knows, deep down inside, that there isn’t one. Even those claiming to be merely “spiritual” know that the wonder and untold beauty of everything around us isn’t REALLY evidence of an invisible all-powerful guy. No one could REALLY believe that.

There Are No Theists, I Said So

EVERYONE Knows, There Are No Theists.

And no “theist” who claims that all religions are basically worshiping different concepts of the same god REALLY believes that, not deep down inside anyway. “Theists” are all atheists. Period. It’s an inarguable fact of rhetorical circular arguing. They all know this. Every one of them. I know they all know this because I meditate on this topic a lot. The insight I gain from doing this is never wrong. Never. I know “theists” more than any of them know themselves. Really, I do. I’m THAT smart. Thus, I get to define what “theists” REALLY believe and think because I have perfectly written rhetorical arguments proving what I’m saying is absolutely true, in a very circular masturbatory sort of way. These arguments are as reliable as any medical test you’ve ever had, and they are flawless in the masturbatory nature of their rhetoric. I do not need evidence to know I’m right about this. As a matter of fact, I NEVER bother to gather evidence or check facts about ANYTHING I ever say because it is beneath me to do so. I find it much easier to assume I’m always right about EVERYTHING I say than to waste time verifying “facts” online. It’s those who don’t see my brilliance; who think I’m a total idiot for not checking my facts before running my mouth, who are the stupid ones. Thus, when I say there are no “theists”, there are no “theists”. I know so. The fact that some people may refuse to believe me, does not make it any less true. And anyone too stupid to not see this is, well, stupid.


27 thoughts on “There Really Are No Theists

  1. So wait. Was this post created in January this year, or this November? There seems to be two dates in the comments.

    • I first posted it in January then bumped it up to here yesterday. Felt it needed another chance as not too many saw it first time. Hopefully that hasn’t caused a problem for you. Two people have committed suicide over it already, so please, seek counseling before doing that. It’s just a post. 😀

  2. A long time back, just after the dinosaurs died out, there was a phrase the kids I hung out with used a lot. “Fucking A”

  3. Eureka! Religion IS a circle-jerk! But if you’re not in the “right” circle, you are just masturbating aimlessly… according to the “right” circle-jerkers.

    I think I’ll stay away from those circles and keep jerking to myself!

  4. You forgot to mention that part about meditation being a “way of knowing.”

    • Yes. You’re right. “A way of knowing the real truth” it is. Imagine if your doctor told you you needed to shoot insulin because he meditated on it and it was just revealed to him that you needed it? But we’re supposed to believe fucking Christians meditate and have come up with the answers to the 14 billion year universe by doing so. Fucking idiots.

  5. I do get it all. I thought I was being clever. Guess I failed.

  6. “I know they all know this because I meditate on this topic a lot.”
    Really, do you…I thought you were running a site on exotic recipes…

    Great satirical piece though…I would love for theists to read this and come up with their own masturbatory reasoning to counter it…

  7. I’ve always thought that everything you have ever said is your opinion. In actuality, is everything you’ve ever said, fact? There’s no disputing fact.

    • Let’s put it this way. Nothing I say is wrong because I meditate on stuff, then come to conclusions based on the inspiration I get from that meditation and form rhetorical, headache-inducing arguments from it that are correct no matter what you or anyone else has to say about it. Inspiration derived through such a process is always right, my theist friends taught me this. For example, when I state simply I see no evidence supporting the claim that Jesus is my lord and savior and created the cosmos from nothing, I’m told I would if I simply opened my heart and mind to it. Great way to determine truth that effects the entire species of humans, don’t you think? So, you’re not agreeing with the truths I tell you in no way makes them less true. If I say it, then it is so. So have Faith in this or be labeled an evil person. Get it?!

    • Got it. Just one question though. Are you God?

    • What’s wrong with you? There is no god. I’m just perfect is all, and just because I said so. Hell, if I can be told by the lovers of Jesus that I’m going to burn in hell because I do not believe in their particular god because they just happen to KNOW this through their “Faith”, then why I can’t I do the same? My Faith tells me theirs and wrong, and like theirs, their not believing it doesn’t make it any less true. Great fucking way to run human affairs, wouldn’t you agree?

    • If you are perfect, you are God. To where can I send some money?

    • Actually, since all I say is true, HOW DARE YOU TELL ME I’M GOD. I said I wasn’t, so I’m not. I’m perfect but not god. And that’s what I SAY. You not believing it or having another opinion is irrelevant to it. I’m not god, AND I’m perfect. See, we can find a way to agree after all. Send the money anyway though. I said so.

    • Must say, you’re treading dangerously close to making me think you don’t get the satirical points being made here. Dangerously close.

  8. Keep this one handy. This has to be the best rebuttal to theistic nonsense I’ve seen.

  9. many times theists have written the same about atheists but without the humour.

    • My friends, they were my inspiration for this. And their lack of humor is, to me, what makes them so damned funny. They say shit like this with such seriousness, it’s as if they’ve done all the work leading up to the discovery of the Higgs boson and are just reporting their findings. In fact, all they do is make shit up and argue the merits of their reasoning for coming to conclusions that have no basis in anything but what they want to be true.

    • Have always said theists are a curious lot. Whatever they want to be true, is true regardless of the evidence

  10. I suggest this as an open letter to the Archbishop of Canterbury. Fine musings Sir.

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