I can do amazing shit just using the power of my mind. I haven’t mentioned this until now because I’m pathologically modest and talking about my wonderful greatness is not an easy thing for me to do. But, I decided to write down some of the more wondrous things I’ve done, and can do, with my mind because I’m a firm believer in telling the truth about oneself whenever and wherever possible. I can thus assure you that every word I write, or have ever written, is absolutely and undeniably true. Every word of it. What benefit is there in making crazy shit up anyway? Now, without further ado, I give you a list of some of the crazy, amazing shit I’ve done, and can do, with the power of my mind.
1.) Yesterday I reached 165 million years into the past with the power of my cerebral cortex and caused the dinosaurs to go extinct.
2.) As I write this I’m sending the entire universe far into the future, one second at a time, just by thinking about it.
3.) I’m currently preventing a zombie apocalypse by willing the dead to stay in their graves.
4.) I’m holding the building up across the street from me by simply thinking about it.
5.) I’m preventing millions of dogs from chasing millions of cats world-wide by telepathically sending them the message, “Be nice now, guys.”
6.) I’m keeping the tectonic activity of the Earth active by channeling the power of my amygdala into the Earth’s core to keep it smokin’ hot.
7.) Lastly, I’m moving the water around in the oceans by imagining massive winds blowing over it.
Thank you for reading. Yours in humble modesty, The Arm Chair Pontificator.