Chewbacca: Moments After Being Groomed
I bumped into Chewbacca, of Star Wars fame, as he was exiting the dog grooming shop I was entering to get my dog, Roxy, groomed. I told him I was a big fan and would love to interview him for my blog. He agreed, and we talked for about an hour over pizza and beer. I present excerpts from our discussion below for your enjoyment. Rest be assured, every single word is true.
ACP: Let me say, Chewie, may I call you Chewie?
Chewbacca: ARRR! OORR! AHHRR!
ACP: OK. No problem. I get it. Only Han Solo can call you Chewie. No biggie, Chewbacca. Pizza’s good, isn’t it?
Chewbacca: OOHRR! AAARH! AHHRR!
ACP: Good. Glad you like it. Now, for my first question. Are you dating anyone at the moment, or are you single?
Chewbacca: AR! HARRR! RRRRR! RHAARR! RRRH!
ACP: No! Wait! Put me down! Ouch! You’re crushing my spine! I wasn’t hitting on you! Honest, I wasn’t. I was asking if you have a lady friend at the moment. Dude, you’re not my type. Inter-species gay sex just ain’t my bag, Chewbacca (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Now, please, just stop crushing my spine and set me back down. Thanks. Now, are you dating a FEMALE at the moment, either human or Wookie?
Chewbacca: RRRRH! WOORRR! AHHROOH! ARRRRGH! RRR!
ACP: I see, so you were dating a human woman, but she broke it off because you refused to get dewormed. Well, can’t say I blame her. Worms crawling out of your partner’s ass during sex would kinda f*ck up the moment. She just wanted to be sure that wasn’t going to happen, I suppose. Let’s move on to another question. What are your thoughts on the American political scene?
Chewbacca: AARRRRRHHH!!! RRRRRHHH!!! OOORRRR!!! UUURRRGH ARRUGHHO!
ACP: No, that isn’t a joke, America really does not have socialized medical coverage for its citizens. And I agree, Governor Rick Perry is indeed a lot like Emperor Palpatine. And, yes, I do suppose the entire state of Texas is very much like a land-based version of the Death Star. I know it seems like these things must be jokes to you, but trust me, they’re not. Unfortunately.
Chewbacca: RRRGH! OOGHRR?!
ACP: Christians? Yes, they, too, are unfortunately not a joke, and they are indeed just as annoying and self-righteous as they seem. They kinda make the Sith seem rather likable, wouldn’t you say? What I wouldn’t give for them to all go hide on Dagobah with Yoda and quite bugging me with their presence. Oh well, we can’t have everything, eh? But let’s get back to you. Why are you here, Chewbacca? What brought you to Earth at this time?
Chewbacca: RRRH! OOORRH! AAARGH! OOORRH! UUGHRRR!
ACP: Oh, right. You’re here filming Star Wars: Episode 7 with J.J. Abrams. Don’t know how I could’ve forgotten that. And you’re auditioning for this year’s American Idol, eh? Well, good luck to you with that. I understand you’ve got to get back to the set now for your big scene with Han Solo, but, if I’m not outta line for asking, could you take me with you as a guest? I’d love to see the next Star Wars movie being filmed.
Chewbacca: RRH! ARRRGH! OOOP!
ACP: OK. I get it. J.J. runs a closed set, and he’d be p*ssed if you showed up there with me in tow. No worries, big guy. It was a pleasure meeting and talking with you. Good luck with all your adventures here on Earth, Chewbacca, and thanks again. This was really cool. Bye now.
Chewbacca: RRRRGH!!!
Fini
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
Great story, and good thread but keep in mind I’m only writing this because I’m concerned about plate tectonics. My problem is, I’m not sure if I’m pro or con. All joking aside, great satire. I sat on a tire once. It was flat and I was waiting for road service.
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I likes that. 🙂
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Haha. You my friend are amazing.
Great post. And talking about John, that fellow has patience no wonder he draws several lunatics on his blog.
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Thank you my friend. And you’re right about John. The guy’s a Jedi when it comes to patience. Me? Hell, I was born an angry Sith and I like it!
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Makes two of us hungry folk.
Some of this religious whackos want to bullshit us thinking we sold our bibles when we became godless!
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That colormeclueless dude on John’s blog is suffering from a lack of frontal lobe activity. Wish I could transport his ass into an ISIS camp. We’d see then just how friggin’ righteous his bible gibberish is and how much Islam disagrees with his take on little old Saul call me Paul.
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It would be nice to see the battle of the gods.
He is pretty annoying
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Annoying and he says absolutely nothing but circular gibberish. Golden foot to his ass, that’s what I say. 😀
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They are two of them, another is called higharka! Stupid fellows
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The golden foot awaits both their arses!
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You tell a person, ok I agree with you, then they repeat the same shit to you in a long love letter! What is wrong with some people?
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They’re lacking a good arse beating with my golden foot. That’s what’s wrong with ’em. some of the florid meaningless tripe people write is stunning in it’s pure idiocy. Truly stunning.
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I agree some arses ought to be kicked so hard
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Far too many, my friend. Far too many.
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Agreed, but with you almighty golden boot I am hopeful that many can be kicked at one go
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Right. It is a VERY large boot.
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Oh, how I needed this laugh! Thank you, my friend 🙂
Submerged in Grade-A religious nonsense for too long can be damaging.
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Thanks for the compliment. I’m here to bring the giggles. Honestly, John, I don’t know how you do it. Stay calm amongst the religious gibberish tossed at you on your blog. To me, such stuff is simply a set up to a joke. The dude talking about the genealogies in the bible as evidence for his god being the one true divine guy is mind-numbingly ridiculous. Ugh. Any way, thanks for laughing. I do like to make people laugh.
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I’m on two threads over at insanitybytes blog… the madness is palpable!
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I’ll stop by there. sounds like fun.
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Brother, you are either far braver than I or you’re looking to burn out as many brain cells at once as you can. Insanitybytes is a dark, scary place. It actually smells so much of putrid flesh, I can smell it through my computer screen. I see our fried SoM is a regular contributor there. Ouch. Posting there is akin to trying to convince Hitler his views on Jews was incorrect. May the golden foot be with you as you wade through the murk of that site. As for me, I’ll just continue to pound my head against this anvil on my table. It’s a lot more fun, and a lot more productive.
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Yeah, that was my first swim, but then she wrote a post about me, so i had to play 🙂
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I saw that. I’ve a few bone-head anti-feminist male friends I know from back in the day I’d like to introduce her to. They’d give her exactly the kind of anti-feminist treatment she thinks she wants. I assure you she’d sing different tunes after a run in with these blokes.
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Splendid lunacy with bite!
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Thank you, Sir.
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Great bit… way too funny! Intriguing, too! It makes me think about what I would ask Chewbacca, but I don’t speak Shyriiwook!
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It’s a language you have to learn on faith alone.
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I know you did NOT learn to speak Wookie with Berlitz or Rosetta Stone. Where did you learn Wookie?
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Jeebus taught me at my first communion. 😀
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