The US Government unveiled its newest weapons against terror today at a Pentagon press briefing. Pentagon special weapons spokesman, General Thadeus Thumpernickle, had this to say on the matter. “Let me start off by apologizing for the foul stench in the room. It is being created by residual methane emissions emanating from the anuses of the two men seated to my right: Special Agents Gus Gas and Freddy Flatulence, America’s first living anti-terrorism weapons. These two boys have had their entire gastrointestinal tracks converted to methane producing engines for the sole purpose of destroying the eyes, noses, and throats of terrorists everywhere. Here’s how they work: The boys are fed nothing but pinto beans and water for two weeks before they’re to deploy on a mission. During those two weeks, the fellas also have large butt plugs inserted, and locked, in their rectums.
Once the terror target has been determined, the guys are flown to the area in a stealth fighter and dropped, like bombs, from the planes bomb bay doors. They need no parachutes because, as they fall, they unlock and pull the plugs from their respective anuses. This unleashes steams of methane gas from their sphincters so powerful they remain afloat on them until the entire target area has been reduced to ash; then they gently settle on the ground and await recovery by specially trained Navy Seals donned in methane proof masks. These fellas are the real deal folks. I guarantee you, from now on, terrorists will quake in terror at the very mention of the names, Gus Gas and Freddy Flatulence, the world’s first living anti-terrorism weapons. They are the next evolutionary step in America’s continuing war to wipe terror from the planet like a shit-stain from an old man’s underwear. That’s all for now, good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.”