Who Put The Hump In Humpty Dumpty?

Here’s a list of crazy shit I think about because, well, I’m crazy.

1.) How do the people of Humpty Dumpty’s species mate without breaking?

How Did Mommy & Daddy Make Me Without Breaking?

How Did Mommy & Daddy Make Me Without Breaking?

2.) How can theists claim, with absolute certainty, that a god or gods exist when I, being an atheist, can not claim, with absolute certainty, they do not? BTW, I also can not claim, with absolute certainty, that Superman doesn’t really exist, though I highly doubt it.

Go Ahead, Prove I'm NOT Real!

Go Ahead, Prove I’m NOT Real!

3.) If theists are so confident in a beautiful afterlife, why fear death and fight to stay alive? Hell, if I knew I had paradise waiting for me, with absolute certainty, I’d be eager to die, and happy to get cancer. Perhaps, just perhaps, deep down, we all instinctively know this is it, and we are all afraid to die because we know this. Perhaps. To be4.) Did Elmer Fudd’s parents speak like him, or did he develop his particular speech impediment as he grew up? Does his desire to kill rabbits cause it, perhaps, or did he inherit it genetically from his parents? A nature vs nurture question in its purest form.

Why Do I Have Dis Weally Funny Voice?

Why Do I Have Dis Weally Funny Voice?

5.) If Bugs Bunny had a fist fight with Woody Woodpecker, who’d win? My bets are on Woody. He’d peck Bugs’ eyes out.

Woody v Bugs

Woody v Bugs

6.) In a hundred years, will our descendents be happy with the Conservative stance that global warming isn’t happening, and it’s a waste of energy to care about it? Just wondering. Climate_change_denial

That’s all for now. Have a pleasant day, and remember, it’s always darkest just before the lights come on. Hallelujah!

 

 

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Morphine Dream

david-walker-street-art_8

When the time comes

To go

I hope I go in a

Morphine dream

 

To be so sick as to

Need a drip that

Will gently bring a

Morphine dream

 

But not so ill

As to bring

A chill

Of pain

So bad

I wish

I had

Lived my life in a

Morphine dream

Separation

seperation

It’s not so much that

There’s a right or wrong

But that there’s a

Me

And

There’s a

You

When there’s a permeability

To what is

Me

Then what is

You

Pours into what is

Me

Making

Me

Confuse what is

You

For what is

Me

It isn’t that

You

Are right, and

I

Am wrong,

But that

I

See that

You

Are not

Me

And it is wonderfully OK for

Me

To not be, at all, like

You

Ugh: The God Who Doesn’t Give A Shit

ughWhile I was contemplating how exactly Dunkin Donuts was able to get granulated sugar to stick so successfully to the doughnut I was eating, I heard a knock at my back door. I opened it to find a god standing there who said his name was Ugh and he wanted me to interview him for my site. I, being the god-loving atheist I am, agreed. Here is the interview. I hope you find it enlightening, and I hope you believe me when I tell you, every word of it is absolutely true.

ACP: Well, Ugh, I’ve got to tell you, I’ve never heard of you before. I only recognized you as a god because of your tunic and your glowing mustache. Tell me a little bit about yourself to get us started. For example, what type of rules do you have for those who worship you?

Ugh: Rules? Ain’t got any. Don’t give a shit about ’em. Don’t give a shit about anything, really.

ACP: Wow. Never heard of a god who didn’t give a shit about anything. But, if that’s really the case, why did you want to do this interview with me? You sought me out, remember? Before, like, 5 minutes ago, I never even knew you existed.

Ugh: My mother made me do it. Said I needed to start giving a shit about things because, well, I’m a god, damn it. She thought being interviewed would help me focus on what I really wanted out of life.

ACP: Your mom told you to ask me to interview you? That’s a new one. Live and learn, eh? What’s your mom’s name?

Ugh: Thud.

ACP: Her name is Thud?

Ugh: Yes. Asshole. Do you have a problem with my mom’s name?

ACP: No. Not at all. Who am I, a mere atheist, to question a real god about his mom’s name. If I may ask, while we’re on the topic, what’s your father’s name?

Ugh: Crunch.

ACP: Interesting. Your folks sound like a comic book panel. But that’s cool. Are they gods of anything in particular? You know, like Thor’s the god of thunder kinda thing, and Venus is the goddess of love?

Ugh: No. They’re just average, run of the mill, gods. Dad works in a nebula in the Andromeda galaxy making stars, and mom just stays at home all day watching her “picture shows” on the tellie. Mom’s just worried bout me cause every time she asks what I want to do with my life, I tell her I don’t give a shit. Cause I don’t.

ACP: Well, you seem to at least give a shit about doing what she asks you to do because you’re doing this interview. That’s a start at least. Maybe, in time, you’ll find a good niche to give a really big shit about? Wadda ya think?

Ugh: Maybe. Sounds stupid though. But who knows. Anyway, I gotta go meet my girlfriend on Neptune. You’d like her. She doesn’t give a shit about anything either. Could you please just give me a note to give my mom so she knows I was really here? She’ll think I’m lying otherwise.

ACP: Sure thing, Ugh, and grab a doughnut for the road. It’s really cool how the sugar granules stick to ’em without any tape or anything. Hey, before you go, could you tell me your girlfriend’s name?

Ugh: Sure, it’s Burp. Thanks for the note. I appreciate it. Maybe I’ll stop by again sometime and you can interview me some more. Maybe.

ACP: Cool. Be sure to bring Burp with you. I’d love to meet her. See you later, and thanks for coming by.

The End

 

Famous Historical Mother Fuckers

Here are a few pics of some historical mother fuckers who really bother the shit outta me. I thought I’d share them with my readers, being the nice fella I am.

1.) Ever wonder why child abuse is so rampant in our society? The fella pictured below, and his made up deity, are two of the main reasons.

Abraham, Father Of Modern Day Child Abuse & True Mother Fucker

Abraham, Father Of Modern Day Child Abuse & True Mother Fucker

2.) This next fella, I really hated when he was alive. And ya know what? Now that he’s been dead for a few years, I STILL hate him.

Ronald Reagan, Mother Fucker

Ronald Reagan, Conservative Republican & Mother Fucker

3.) Next up is a guy you can’t help but despise. I know I do. He was the Nazis head of media propaganda and a class “A” mother fucking waste of DNA.

Joseph Goebbels, Mother Fucker Extraordinaire

Joseph Goebbels, Mother Fucker Extraordinaire

4.) And to complete today’s list of truly rotten, stinkin’ mother fuckers, I offer you the 5 MEN who recently made Hobby Lobby and Christianity more important than women’s sexual health here in the good ole U.S. of A. I hate these pricks most of all. They should know better this. Really, they should.

The Supreme Court Mother Fuckers Who Recently Bonded Religion To The State Permanently

The Supreme Court Mother Fuckers Who Made Christian Morality More Important Than Women’s Sexual Health

Awesome Shit I’ve Done That No One’s Noticed

greatnessHere’s a list of some of the awesome, great shit I’ve done that no one’s noticed. In particular, the Nobel Prize Committee hasn’t noticed these things, at least not publicly, because they are prejudiced against me for my demanding a Nobel Prize from them. They are bastards for this, and I will continue to point out how nasty they are until they either give me my award or kill me. I won’t shut up otherwise. Well, that’s not true. If they gave me like, 7 million Euros, I’d shut up, but until then, I won’t. Here’s the list. I do hope you enjoy being awed by the great shit I’ve done.

1.) I visited Ancient Rome and no one cared. I was told it wasn’t there anymore. Really? I took a picture of it from the airplane I was on that PROVES it’s there!!! Can you spell, C O V E R  U P?

Pic Of Ancient Rome From My Cell Phone

Pic Of Ancient Rome From My Cell Phone

2.) I named myself Holy Roman Emperor but got my ass kicked when I charged the Vatican with a rubber sword demanding the Pope recognize me as such. Why? Am I not pretty enough? CONSPIRACY!!!!!

Me As Holy Roman Emperor

Me As Holy Roman Emperor

3.) I met the aliens who built the Pyramids and got piss drunk with them one night in Valparaiso, Indiana. I even took pictures, and yet no one believes me. Assholes. They can deny all they want, but I KNOW the truth!!!!!

Bob, Ted, And Sally: Pyramid Builders

Bob, Ted, And Sally: Pyramid Builders

4.) I discovered the Higgs boson, like 30 years ago, but did anyone believe me? NO! They waited to give credit to other people just to piss me off! Bastards! Fucking bastards!!!!!

I Discovered The Higgs Boson

Higgs Boson Discovered By Me

5.) I’ve become a Sheikh named Pontificatius, the Unshaven, yet Muslims threaten to kill me whenever I demand they blindly follow whatever I say. Bastards!!!

Sheikh Pontificatius, The Unshaven

Sheikh Pontificatius, The Unshaven

That’s it for now folks. I’ll report later on more of the injustices I’ve suffered, and still suffer, at the hands of the bastards on the Nobel Prize Committee for being the great person I am. They are SOOOOO jealous of me. Imperious Rex!

Sheikh Pontificatius, The Unshaven, Reviews Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes

Sheikh Pontificatius, The Unshaven

Sheikh Pontificatius, The Unshaven

Greetings to my American brothers and veiled sisters in Islam. I am here to review the new “Planet of the Apes” movie, “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes”, which opens this Friday. Let me start off by saying, as far as I could tell, the movie has no one in it named Dawn, and not once is Allah mentioned or referred to in it. That’s never a good thing. Also, the human and ape females in the movie are not veiled. Thus, I was forced to stone the projectionist of the film to death before I could finish viewing it and I’ve no idea how good or bad it is. Once the film is re-shot, with the females in it properly covered, I will attempt to review it again. Until then, praise be to Allah, and his prophet Mohammad. They love you. Lots, and lots, and lots.