While I was contemplating how exactly Dunkin Donuts was able to get granulated sugar to stick so successfully to the doughnut I was eating, I heard a knock at my back door. I opened it to find a god standing there who said his name was Ugh and he wanted me to interview him for my site. I, being the god-loving atheist I am, agreed. Here is the interview. I hope you find it enlightening, and I hope you believe me when I tell you, every word of it is absolutely true.
ACP: Well, Ugh, I’ve got to tell you, I’ve never heard of you before. I only recognized you as a god because of your tunic and your glowing mustache. Tell me a little bit about yourself to get us started. For example, what type of rules do you have for those who worship you?
Ugh: Rules? Ain’t got any. Don’t give a shit about ’em. Don’t give a shit about anything, really.
ACP: Wow. Never heard of a god who didn’t give a shit about anything. But, if that’s really the case, why did you want to do this interview with me? You sought me out, remember? Before, like, 5 minutes ago, I never even knew you existed.
Ugh: My mother made me do it. Said I needed to start giving a shit about things because, well, I’m a god, damn it. She thought being interviewed would help me focus on what I really wanted out of life.
ACP: Your mom told you to ask me to interview you? That’s a new one. Live and learn, eh? What’s your mom’s name?
Ugh: Thud.
ACP: Her name is Thud?
Ugh: Yes. Asshole. Do you have a problem with my mom’s name?
ACP: No. Not at all. Who am I, a mere atheist, to question a real god about his mom’s name. If I may ask, while we’re on the topic, what’s your father’s name?
Ugh: Crunch.
ACP: Interesting. Your folks sound like a comic book panel. But that’s cool. Are they gods of anything in particular? You know, like Thor’s the god of thunder kinda thing, and Venus is the goddess of love?
Ugh: No. They’re just average, run of the mill, gods. Dad works in a nebula in the Andromeda galaxy making stars, and mom just stays at home all day watching her “picture shows” on the tellie. Mom’s just worried bout me cause every time she asks what I want to do with my life, I tell her I don’t give a shit. Cause I don’t.
ACP: Well, you seem to at least give a shit about doing what she asks you to do because you’re doing this interview. That’s a start at least. Maybe, in time, you’ll find a good niche to give a really big shit about? Wadda ya think?
Ugh: Maybe. Sounds stupid though. But who knows. Anyway, I gotta go meet my girlfriend on Neptune. You’d like her. She doesn’t give a shit about anything either. Could you please just give me a note to give my mom so she knows I was really here? She’ll think I’m lying otherwise.
ACP: Sure thing, Ugh, and grab a doughnut for the road. It’s really cool how the sugar granules stick to ’em without any tape or anything. Hey, before you go, could you tell me your girlfriend’s name?
Ugh: Sure, it’s Burp. Thanks for the note. I appreciate it. Maybe I’ll stop by again sometime and you can interview me some more. Maybe.
ACP: Cool. Be sure to bring Burp with you. I’d love to meet her. See you later, and thanks for coming by.
The End
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
Pingback: The Path to Success (or: May Your Next Failure be Glorious) | Empress Tea
Doesn’t give a shit, hey? Sounds just like my Christian god – he don’t give a shit neither. Aks all those Somali kids. Go look at the local children’s hospital. Go check the cancer wards. I don’t give a shit for those gods neither.
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Ugh!
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Great stuff my friend,what an idea a God who doesn’t give a shit but needs a note for his mom
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Thanks. And thanks for the follow.
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First, I want to thank you for liking my post, “Thank God It’s Over.” In that post I said I had nothing against Christmas, Actually I do, but i hate almost all special days: Valentine’s Day, President’s Day, 4th of july, well you get the idea.
Now,I liked, “Ugh: the God Who Doesn’t Give a Shit,” so much I went right to clicking the “follow” button. So you now have a new follower, but I must go now and read more of your posts. – Bye and Aloha – pjs/
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Thank you. And thanks for reading and liking my post. 🙂
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Ha! Sounds like the my interviews. God just doesn’t give a shit about what we do. It’s so nonjudgmental…how could you not like it? How could anything be like that? I think everyone just thinks that they are under the “God microscope.” That’s just arrogant to think that it’s all about you…or maybe it is….I’m not sure…better go back to interviewing again to ask these tough questions. I’ll make sure to have doughnuts this time. Thx!
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Ugh says he agrees with you, but, when it comes right down to it, he doesn’t give a shit about anything and that includes things he says he agrees with. Gotta love Ugh. Thanks for reading and thanks for the follow. I really do give a shit about it. 😀
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I love Ugh! Thx.
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I’m sure if he gave a shit, he’d say he loves you too.
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Very funny. Never knew the Andromeda galaxy had a different god than we do. I used to think ‘our’ god created all those billions of galaxies, with the Milky Way being just for us…
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Yeah. I was surprised to learn that too. But, who am I to argue with an all powerful being that doesn’t give a shit? All that divinity, and he just doesn’t give a shit. What a waste.
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The Andromeda galaxy is going to collide with our Milky Way! Do the gods care?
Let’s say goodbye to the Milky Way whilst we can at https://soundeagle.wordpress.com/2012/09/07/soundeagles-poetry-with-enigmas-goodbye-milky-way/
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We should give it a party!
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Thanks for that…am actually a big fan of Enigma!;)
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What can I say other than this is a ‘gem’ of a post. Thoroughly enjoyed it.
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Thank you kindly, Sir.
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Ugh reminds me a little of a high-schooler, though it shows some serious intellect that he thought to ask for an interview note. Perhaps Burp has an Uncle on Uranus who can inspire Ugh towards divinity, being a castrated god-planet and all…
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Those are great points. I’ll bring them up with Ugh if he comes by again. Uranus, poor abusive bastard, castrated by his unborn son and his testicles became Aphrodite. Those ancient Greeks, I tell you, what imaginations they had.
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Ha! Tell me about it 🙂 Bizarre they seemed at times, yet strangely fascinating.
On a side note,I admittedly have a soft spot for Socrates…he totally got the shaft…
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Love ancient history, Greek and Roman stuff. I’m reading a bio of Julius Caesar right now. Socrates did get the shaft, and from what I’ve read, hemlock poisoning is slow and agonizing way to die. Poor guy.
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There you have a nihilist god. You should have convinced that god to have beer with you
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Perhaps next time.
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