God To Hand Out Apples From Tree Of Knowledge At Cubs Game

God Collecting Apples From The Tree Of Knowledge

God Collecting Apples From The Tree Of Knowledge

In an unexpected statement released today from His vacation home in Orlando, God, Creator of All Things, said He will be distributing free apples from The Tree of Knowledge at the Cubs game Sunday in Chicago.
“I thought it might be a good time to clear up any asinine ideas people may still have about apples from that tree: They will not give anyone any knowledge of anything other than what an apple tastes like. No ‘all powerful’ knowledge can, could, or ever would come to anyone eating an apple from any tree, including the one in the Garden of Eden. For My Own sake, people, they’re fucking APPLES! I was just screwing around with Adam and Eve! It was a fuckin’ JOKE!!! I didn’t actually think they would believe all that silly shit I said about ‘don’t eat apples from that tree or I’ll toss you out of Paradise.’ I may be God, but I’m not an asshole. I didn’t even know they’d eaten the apple until I went to fetch them for our Monday night bingo game and couldn’t find them. Eddy, the talking snake I hired as their butler and dance instructor, told me they ran out of Eden right after they’d eaten it because they were too ashamed to tell me about it. I still can’t fucking believe they took Me seriously. Any way, if you’re at the Cubs game this Sunday, come by and get an apple and see for yourself. They’re delicious, but they won’t make you any smarter. And I’m NOT going to be angry that you ate it!”

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11 thoughts on “God To Hand Out Apples From Tree Of Knowledge At Cubs Game

  1. if the god of the byebill had been this magnanimous, maybe we would look at the creators of this fiction in a different manner.

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  2. I guess God missed out on telling Eve she had such a nice pear!

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  3. I like that God, like so many other old folks, has a vacation home in Orlando. Wait, are you sure God isn’t tricking us this time into eating apples laced with “stuff”? Hmmm….I’m staying away from them…

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  4. I fell for this last year… I ate the apple and my male vagina hammer “fell off”! Don’t eat em!

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