Director J.J. Abrams today announced that Jesus will play an evil Dark Lord of the Sith in the upcoming film, “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” “I thought He might not return the message I left with His secretary saying I wished to speak with Him about the movie because I’m Jewish, and, well, you know, I don’t believe He’s god,” said Abrams earlier today. “But He called me right back and said He’d love to be in the film. We talked for a few minutes and quickly came up with a bad-ass Sith Lord character for Him to play. Darth Demonicus we’re calling him. I think fans are going to love the way Jesus handles a light saber and how damned evil His character’s gonna be.” “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” opens in December 2015.