I’m A Planet, Damn It!
I bumped into the Earth coming out of a McDonald’s restroom the other day and asked it if it would let me interview it for my site while we ate. Well, lucky for you, it agreed. So without further ado, TACP presents the first ever interview with the Earth.
ACP: “Well, I must say, Earth, I’m very grateful you decided to talk to me today. I’m honored. Oh, BTW, if you’re not going to eat all of your fries, can I have them? McDonald’s has the best fries.”
Earth: “Sure. Go ahead. I’m watching my figure anyway. Now, what would you like to know about me?”
ACP: “First off, I’m wondering what your thoughts are on global warming. Are humans responsible for it, and how does it make you feel?”
Earth: “I don’t care about it.”
ACP: “What? You don’t care about it? But if the globe is warming, aren’t YOU warming? Doesn’t it make you sick if the climate gets too warm?”
Earth: “No.”
ACP: “No. That’s all you have to say? I mean conservatives and liberals are battling like flies over the last piece of shit on the planet over this issue and you don’t care about it at all? It doesn’t affect you at all?”
Earth: “No. It doesn’t affect me at all. I’m a planet, like Jupiter and Venus are planets. Nothing you fuck heads do will change that or hurt my self-esteem. I’m a fucking planet. I was a planet long before you idiots ever existed and I’ll be one long after you’re gone. I do not need liquid water to exist. Nor do I need a liquid iron core, a magnetic field, ozone, oxygen, plants, animals, or stupid-ass fucking humans. I do NOT need ANY of that shit to exist as who and what I am: a planet. You shit-heads may need some of those things, but not me. So to answer your question, no, I do not give a tiny squirt of elephant piss about global warming, global cooling, or global anything. I’m a fucking PLANET, asshole! Why would you think I’d give a fuck about what humans need anyway? Why? If there’s something I have that you need, then you need to make sure you have it. I fucking do not care about you, your offspring, or your species. No one cares about you, you narcissistic fucks. So if you’re not going to take care of yourselves and what you need to survive, you’ll all die. And nothing else in the whole of existence will care, especially not a fucking bad-ass planet like me. Get it? Now if you’ll excuse me, Mars and I have a date. Adios amigo!”
ACP: “Well, goodbye, Earth. Thanks for sharing. I’m sure my readers will be thrilled you did.”
The End
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
Last time Earth had a date with something the size of Mars it created the moon, and a lot of mess;)
Absolutely brilliant post, one of your best!
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Greatly appreciated again. I truly value yours, John Zande’s, and Mike Steeden’s comments highly as I appreciate both the writing and the intelligence of you three gentlemen greatly. I appreciate everyone’s of course, but you three fellows are on my A-list of great writers and thinkers whom I admire. And know, which is kinda cool, eh?
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Thanks very much! Coming from you that means a lot, it truly does!
(Sorry for the late reply, I just spent a weekend away from any wifi signal)
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No problem, and it is very true.
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The earth, the universe do not give a fuck whether we survive or die, we do and must work to improve our environments
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You got it pal. Too bad so many others of our species do not.
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Wait a minute! Earth is a she, right? Please say ‘yes’. Otherwise “Houston, we have a problem.”
But if she is a she, what a cool bitch.
Any woman who can out-cuss me is top shelf On My Hit Parade.
(Yeah, I often mix my metaphors)
Just how I roll.
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Couldn’t tell and I was afraid to ask. I assume so, but like I said, I didn’t want to offend it.
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Perhaps the Grand Canyon should be a tell all.
(Damn! That was obnoxious, even my my standards)
Sorry Ladies.
I didn’t mean it.
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Well there’s also some huge ass pointy, thick mountain ranges on the ‘ole planet, so…… maybe it’s both.
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A her-man-prodite Mother/Pappa Earth?
Yeah.
Makes sense to me.
But of course I do believe She/He is only 6,000 days…er…years old.
Sometimes I crack me up
Hahahahaha
😉
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Join the club. I cracked myself up along time ago. Hell, I’m still missing most of the pieces too.
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LMFAO
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I’ve done that too and it’s still missing. So, if you see an ass running around minus a body, it’s mine.
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Yer fucking killing me!
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Yeah. I do that to folks. 😀
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This reminded me of a great film: No Such Thing. If you haven’t seen it, please enjoy this, the opening….
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Looks amazing. I will check out the whole film. Right up my alley. Thanks.
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I put it in my Netflix q to watch. I’ll let you know what I think, but it certainly looks like I’m gonna enjoy it.
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It’s a great story idea, and Hal Hartley always does a good job in presenting an almost disturbingly dreamy landscape.
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Looking forward to watching it.
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