Me neem ’tis Robert ‘n I’m ‘ere ta review da film, EEEKsmen: Dees ov Future Pas’. Et reminded me mostly ov da teem me ‘n me girlie boy faggot ov a son ’twas huntin’ fer da haggis beastie outside ov da Moors ov Edinburgh en Scotland!
Robert The Reviewer
Me son, who’s more girl dan man, ’twas pickin’ ‘is faggot arse en da damn bushes when da feckin’ haggis beastie lifted up ‘is ugly ‘ead en spit venom on ’em. ‘Course me girl ov a son cried out like da bitch ‘e is, “Da! Help me, Da! The haggis is spittin’ venom on me ‘n I’m scared!” Well, no need ta tell ye, hearin’ me own woman ov a boy cry out like a faggoty girl sent me runnin’ ‘ome ta beat me skanky wife fer ‘avin’ dat lil’ bitch en da firs’ place. Lucky fer ‘er she weren’t der when I arrived or fer damn sure I’d ‘ave loosened ‘er teeth but good. Jus’ den though me son, girl dat ‘e is, come a runnin’ inta me house wit dat haggis beastie’s carcass en one ‘and ‘n ‘is head en da other. “How da feck did yer girlie arse do dat,” I axed ’em. “T’wern’t me dat did it, Da,” ‘e says. “T’was dat Wolvereen fella from dem EEEksmen movies dat did, ‘n ‘e come home wit me.” ‘N sure ’nuff me faggot boy weren’t lyin’, ’cause wit ’em was Mr. Hugh Jackman, who ‘ad killed dat haggis wit ‘is own bare ‘ands, or so ‘e said.
Hugh Jackman: The Only Good Haggis Is A Dead Haggis, RRRRR!
I invited ’em ta stay and help us eat dat beastie, but ‘e said ‘e ‘ad ta run, ‘n ‘e left. Jus’ then, me wife came ‘ome. First I beat ‘er fer ‘avin’ such a faggot boy fer a son. Then I ‘ad ‘er gut an’ cook dat haggis ‘n we all three ate ’em right up. I’m Robert Da Reviewer, ‘n dat’s me review ov da film, EEEKSmen: Days ov Future Pas’.
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
I’m a big fan of Robert the Reviewer – pass along my thanks for the laugh.
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I will. He’s got a few other posts on here. I’ll pass em along to you. https://variouspontifications.com/2014/01/28/stories-for-children-with-robert-the-reviewer/
https://variouspontifications.com/2014/01/26/robert-the-reviewer-the-critical-scotsman/
https://variouspontifications.com/2014/02/05/robert-the-reviewer-ken-ham-hunt-a-haggis/
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Brilliant on account of conveying an accent in words alone!;)
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Thank you. Gotta love Robert. Idiot though he is.
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Great stuff – talking of Scottish I read that a UK TV Series ‘RAB C NESBITT’ set in Glasgow was aired in the States with subtitles?
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It was. I’ve seen a few programs that’ve done that. The accents are apparently too hard for some here to follow. Realize, we’re a nation were Creationism is considered “science” by some and they are trying to get it taught as such in schools. You can’t expect accents not to confuse them. They probably think they’re Satanic. 😀
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Of course this poses the question as to what – presuming he was fluent in English – good old JC have. I think I’ll run with boozed up Australian.
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Liquored up Norwegian is good too.
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A lisp! Tourettes?
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Tourettes! That’s our winner!!!!!
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Lol… luv the Irish talk!
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Scottish me dear, Scottish. Wouldn’t want to cheese off Robert. He’s the best film reviewer the site has. I do thank you kindly for reading and liking. 😀
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As I have understood are Irish and Scots both Celts.
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They are, as are the Welsh. All spoke and/or still speak Gaelic languages which are similar to each other but not exact carbon copies of each other. The accents are different too. Even within the same country, accents differ, as is the case here. I used to group ’em all together as generic Celts until a Scottish pal of mine set me right.
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I know, there are dialects in my own native language I can hardly understand.
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i can hardly understand my own dialect most of the time. 😀 What is your native language, btw?
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Dutch.
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Awesome. My great grand parents moved here from Holland in the 1920’s. I wish they’d have passed on more of their culture and language to me. How many languages can you speak? I’m curious, as, being an American, I can barely speak one.
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Speaking Dutch and English, can read French and German, I am studying Russian and busy with bettering my French.
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Kudos to you my friend. I’m impressed. I love language. Studied linguistics and English literature for years. Thanks for sharing.
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Ah holly crap…Scottish.. 🙂
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I used to think it didn’t matter until I was set right by a Scottish pal once in a pub. The Irish, Welsh and Scots distinguish a BIG difference between themselves.
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