Biblical relics that is, and they’re being sold by yours truly, The Arm Chair Pontificator. Here’s a list of some of the relics I’ve acquired via unsavory methods over the years which are for sale.
1.) Jesus’ beard. I “found” this little item in a Jewish dude’s bagel shop here in Chicago. He had the bloody thing hanging in his shop window with a sign under it that read: “Buy a dozen bagels and I’ll let you touch the beard of Christ. Oy vey!”
Christ’s Beard: $10.00
2.) St. Peter’s Pee. I “collected” this rare specimen from the bottom of an ancient urinal in the Louvre during a visit to France a few years ago. According to a French archeologist I spoke to during my stay, St. Peter apparently peed in the urinal while visiting the Louvre back in the day. The then curator of the museum preserved the urinal, and the pee in the bottom of it, by roping it off and declaring it a relic. St. Peter’s pee can now be yours for the amount listed below.
St. Peter’s Pee: $8.26 + $2.00 For The Bottle
3.) Mary Magdalene’s panties: I acquired these during a government sanctioned panty-raid while I was working for the Mossad in Israel during the 80’s. That’s all I can tell you about how I acquired them, but I assure you, they are the real deal.
Mary Magdalene’s Panties: $16.53
4.) Judas Iscariot’s cell phone: This is the very phone Judas used to make the deal to point Jesus out to the authorities for 30 pieces of silver. I won it on a bet I made with Vladimir Putin on last year’s Super Bowl. God only knows how he acquired it, but it is, once again, the real deal. Anyway, the damn Russians don’t know shit about American football. Putin was an idiot to bet it on the game, but now you can be the envy of all your friends by buying it from me for but a token of its true value.
Judas Iscariot’s Cell Phone: $11.76
That’s all for now, but be sure and check back soon for the sale I’ll be having on the animal dung I gathered from Noah’s Ark last year. It’s guaranteed authentic shit.
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
Oh man, I came to the party too late! I would have loved the cell phone! And what a bargain price too! I don’t need any animal dung right now, but I’ll take the actual Ark, once you’ve emptied it. 🙂
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If I can get it down from Mt. Arat, it’s yours.
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Hmmm…too much hassle. You could sell the authentic wood chippings and make beaucoup bucks instead 🙂
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Great idea. Sounds so…Catholic.
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Haha!
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Yo, I thought we agreed not to disclose that Mary Mag worked for the Moss, I mean “us”!
☺
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I only implied it. Now you’ve completely revealed it. Damn it all to hades.
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I would like to buy Mary Magdalene’s panties, please (I have this crazy gay party next weekend, the details of which I somehow rather not share with a former Mossad employee. Suffice it to say, those panties would come in really handy. Perhaps St. Peters pee too, if the night turns kinky.
Great stuff, better than what I find on the shopping network;)
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Will do. I’ll send em right off to you.
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Dibs on that phone!
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It still works too. I just ordered a pizza on it.
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Pre-pan pizza, though, right?
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No brother. I live in Chicago! Stuffed pizza with thick cheese, jalapenos and garlic!
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Though the bread is unleavened.
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Phew, you had me worried there!
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I’ll send you a piece via camel mail. Be on the look out for a dude who looks like Charlton Heston riding a camel in your area.
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Will do
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A Ben-Hur pizza delivery service? Epic!
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One of my favorite films by the great Cecil B. DeMille. The original, silent film by Mr. DeMille is great too.
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Hahahah! You are truly hilarious
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Bless you my son.
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I was in France last week and wandering around an old cathedral spotted in a display cabinet Christs toenails (true) – beat that Sir. It must be true because the label on the cabinet said so!
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Some places (places mind you), in medieval times claimed to have Christ’s foreskin and/or Mary’s breast milk as relics. Idiots would make pilgrimages of thousands of miles to see them. Unreal. But all very true.
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Rather ironic that I merely stumbled upon such a find – what with me who couldn’t care less!
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Naw. Relics and Catholic Churches in France go together like fundies and the American Bible Belt. Churches used to compete for which had the best relic. It would be more odd to find one without SOME sort of artifact it claimed was from a Biblical figure. I personally used to own a medallion with a bone chip from Ft. Francis in it. Seem to have lost it over the years, but Catholics and relics are synonymous.
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