Here in the States we celebrate Memorial Day on the last Monday of May each year in honor of those who have died in their service to our country. It is a good holiday and held for good reason. However, I feel there is also a holiday needed which helps us forget things we’d rather not remember. Thus, I’m declaring the Tuesday after every Memorial Day be hailed Unmemorial Day: a day for purging our memories of some of the stupider shit we’ve done in our lives through the subtle art of binge drinking.
Happy Unmemorial Day: May The Molecules Of Alcohol Help You Forget Stupid Shit You’ve Done
Here’s a list of some dumb, stupid shit I’ve done that I’d love to erase from my memory this upcoming Unmemorial Day.
1.) When I was 12, I resurrected the dead in a neighborhood cemetery. Needless to say, this wreaked havoc on the neighborhood. A nuclear bomb had to be dropped to remedy the situation. Boy, was my mom PISSED! I’d really like to forget it ever happened.
My Mom Got Pissed When I Raised The Dead
2.) Jesus visited me once and wanted to take me shopping for some new clothes but me, being the a-theist bastard I am, told him to go fuck himself. I’d love to forget that incident. It really makes me feel bad because I desperately needed new clothes at the time.
It’s Jesus. I’m Here To Take You Clothes Shopping
3.) I put a ton of fire ants in a pinata at a 10-year-old nephew’s birthday once but by the time the kids knocked it open, the ants had all died from suffocation. I feel guilty about killing all those innocent fire ants and would like it wiped from my mind.
I Want To Forget Killing These Poor Fire Ants
4.) I sold my Iron Man suit on eBay last year to a 13-year-old because I got too fat to wear it. However, it still had a full charge in it, and the kid blew up half of Valparaiso, Indiana with it. I got my ass sued off because, apparently, it’s illegal to sell dangerous armor suits to kids. Go figure, eh? Anyway, I really want to forget that whole incident because, needless to say, it was very embarrassing.
For Use Only By Those Over 18
Well, that’s it for now. Come back next year to learn about more stupid shit I’ve done that I want to erase from my mind via binge drinking. Until then, I hope you all have a happy and blessed Unmemorial Day tomorrow. Imperious Rex!
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
Some days I could do with an “unmemorial day” myself. But I need to remember all this crap, in case I inadvertently repeat it!
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Oh. That’s a good idea. Maybe that’s why I keep repeating it?
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Could it be that some or perhaps all of the stupid shit you did happened on unmemorial day, as you were binge drinking? I know correlation doesn’t imply causation, but still…
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Could be. I’ll have another drink and see if it jars my memory.
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“I put a ton of fire ants in a pinata at a 10-year-old nephew’s birthday once but by the time the kids knocked it open, the ants had all died from suffocation. I feel guilty about killing all those innocent fire ants and would like it wiped from my mind.”
Shame on you!
You know how I love ants and used to build custom ant farms.
(Well, maybe you don’t know that about me…)
“A Queendom! A Queendom! My Horse For A Queendom!
Cheers Mate!
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That’s cool. I love ant farms. Got any pics of the ones you built you could share? I’d love to see em. I was bitten once by a fire ant. I was 19 and drunk in Florida on a Spring break. I picked one up on a dare and it was a bad idea. Christ those fuckers hurt.
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If you want to try again, I can send you some…
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Fire ants? Naw. I learned my lesson. One bite from one ant felt like a red hot nail got poked through my finger. Several bites from several ants would be quite deadly, I’m sure. One of those creatures God made to fuck with us, or so the fundies would think.
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LOL, I’m going to ask one soon… what is the purpose of fire ants?
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“To kill their prey with a fiery venom and proving God’s existence by doing so. Amen.” Love, a fundie whack-job.
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Happy Unmemorial Day to you, too.
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Why thank you.
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