In the Vatican Sunday, Pope Francis announced the canonization of two new Saints, Pope St. John Paul II and Pope St. John XXIII. What a bloody yawn fest! I mean, really, is anyone surprised by this? No? I didn’t think so. Typical Catholic BS, canonizing two of their own into sainthood while ignoring all the other, non-traditional, less Catholic, candidates out there who’d make terrific saints given the chance. I’ve put together a list of five unique people I feel Pope Francis simply must consider for sainthood. Most, if not all, have displayed some sort of miraculous power at one time or another, too, which should make the Pope’s decision to canonize them a no brainer. Here they are.
1.) Obi-Wan Kenobi: Obi-Wan fought alongside Princess Leia’s father, Bail Organa, during the Clone Wars and started Luke Skywalker on his path to becoming a powerful Jedi Knight. He can do cool Jesus-like shit through his mastery of the Force, and would be an awesome Saint to help God in his fight against the Devil.
St. Obi-Wan Kenobi Of The Jedi
2.) Arthur (The Fonz) Fonzarelli: What else is there to say about the Fonz except that he is the King of Cool! His ability to calm rambunctious teenagers who are hopped up on hormones and narcotics with just a raise of his thumbs and an utterance of his patented, “Cool It!” makes him the perfect choice to become a Saint so cool even atheists will love him.
St. Arthur Of The Order Fonzarelli
3.) Gandalf: Not to award Gandalf with the title of Saint after all he’s done to help both Bilbo and Frodo Baggins in their battles to keep Middle Earth free of evil would be akin to reforging the One Ring and turning every Hobbit in the Shire into a flesh-eating ghoul with it. As well, Gandalf’s magic would be most helpful in finding and killing the demons of Hell that hide under our beds at night, should he become canonized.
4.) Christopher Hitchens: If Hitch were canonized, it would piss off both the atheists, who insist there’s no god and no Heaven to be a Saint in, and the Christians, whom Hitchens outraged by telling them there was no god and no Heaven to be a Saint in. I get a huge grin just thinking about the irony of it. Also, if God does exist, a canonized Hitch would be great company for him. Both of ’em are argumentative know-it-alls and could keep each other occupied for weeks fighting over benign, meaningless shit that no one cares about but them.
St. Hitchens The Non-Believer: “You’re Kidding, Right?”
5.) Thor: I love Thor. He’d be a kick-ass Saint and would strike fear into the hearts of Satan and his hideously evil minions by blasting them with lightning from his hammer Mjolnir. Plus, Thor’s already a God, so making him a Saint, too, should not be a problem for the Pope.
St. Thor Of Asgard
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
I would have gone for Barry Zuckercorn, but to each his own.
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I thought about him, but Fonzie was first so he made my list of five. If I had to make the list ten people. Barry’d be on it.
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I think Carl Sagan should be on this list as well…although I’m not sure he or anyone else could ever beat the Fonz in this contest.
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I was going to add him cause you’re right. He is a very saintly fellow. And, if there’s an afterlife in the cosmos, I know he is in it teaching people to never cease wondering and learning.
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Oh, oh, and is it possible please to have Steve Carell also elevated to godhood because he’s Gru’s voice? I justify this with him being Gru’s voice in both Despicable Me 1 and 2!
St. Saviour Russell Brand can testify on his behalf as he was Dr. Nefario’s voice!
Pretty please!
Further please finally do justice to St. Sasha Baron Cohen, and have him also elevated to St. Godhood, because he is anyway the eternal King Julian von Madagascar! Maurice could be Joseph and Mort the Baby Cheesus!
I justify all the above by claiming exclusive inspiration from St. Admiral General Aladeen, eternal Dictatorial Benefactor of All!
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No problem. Done and done. Sasha Cohen will make a fine addition to Sainthood as he’s Jewish. Way to go Sasha!
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I propose Russell Brand for St. Saviour!
Also Gru for St. God!
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Absolutely!
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Russell Brand would make a helluva Saint. Fundies would go ape shit! Oh, how I wish it were so.
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I second this!
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Thanks. I’ll add your name to the petition I’m sending to the Vatican.
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Definitely Hitchens, but maybe B. Russell and C. Darwin are also great candidates.
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Darwin would be cool. St. Charles The Evolutionary! That’d cheese off Xtian fundies.
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Exactly!
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I’ll run with Hitchens because his brother is a right wing twat and he would therefore be pissed off something chronic!
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That’s right, I forgot about about that. I just think the irony of Hitchens becoming a Saint is fun, too.
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Peter Hitchens is his name – guessing you knew that. The brothers hated each other. Peter is a devout Christian who writes drivel for The Mail on Sunday. I dip into it from time to time when I feel my blood pressure needs a boost! You would probably put a contract out on the tosser!
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He and Christopher debated each other a few times, if I’m correct. Though I haven’t seen any of them. I wonder what the home life was like for those two? You couldn’t get two more polar opposites than them.
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True. Peter was to my mind even churlish when writing about his brother’s death.
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I’ll have to look into their history and upbringing. Curious stuff.
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Defintely Hitchens, but maybe B. Russell and C. Darwin are also great candidates.
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I wanted to grow up and be just like Pinky……… 😀
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She and Fonzie were great.
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Yes they were!
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She and her Pink Ladies were on the episode were Fonzie jumps his motorcycle across a pool with sharks in it, if I remember correctly. That episode sticks out in my mind for some reason. Probably because it was just a tad bit far fetched. Liked ’em all though back then. Getting old.
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I remember that episode very well. Far fetched as it was, it was one of my favorites. We’re all getting old. But just like wine we get better with time ! 🙂
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We get better with age; that’s true, but my alcohol % per volume of body weight keeps going up, too.
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Laughing…….mine too!
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My money’s on The Fonz! Used to watch that show religiously 🙂
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I loved that show. Remember Fonzie’s girlfriend Pinky Tuscadaro?
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