Jodie Foster married her girlfriend, photographer Alexandra Hedison, last weekend and the bigoted world of Christendom has remained silent about it. Knowing full well of the hatred, fear and disdain many Christians have toward homosexuals, and gay marriage in particular, I was curious as to why this was. So I contacted Reverend Tom Diddelsman, a spokesman for the Texas-based anti-gay organization, “Christians United In Love To Hate Fags,” to ask him why this was. Here’s what he said.
Newly Weds Jodie Foster And Alexandra Hedison
“In case you haven’t noticed, you pontificating know it all, Jodie Foster isn’t a faggot. Hell, man, she ain’t even a dyke! Look at ‘er! She’s pretty. And so’s the gal she’s taking turns munching carpets with. That ain’t gross. That’s hot! You gotta be some kind of a penis hungry faggot not to see how hot it is. That kinda thing we need more of. God didn’t smash Sodom to rubble and kill every man, woman, and child in it cause hot babes were sixty-ninin’! He did it cause groups of faggot men were gang rapin’ male visitors to the city. Hell, they even tried rapin’ the damn angels God sent to destroy it! Friggin’ faggots! Make me sick.
Good Kiss
Only thing that we Christians hate almost, and I emphasize ALMOST, as much as faggots are bull dykes. You know, carpet munchin’ ladies who look more like men than women. Them we hate. But pretty, feminine lookin’ women who carpet munch? No sir, them we definitely do not hate. It’s all logical once you see what Jesus wants. He wants what makes the cocks of heterosexual Christian males tingle with lust to be accepted and what doesn’t to be despised. It’s only marriages between two faggots that we’re against cause, shit, it’s gross imagining two buff, sweaty, naked, hunks pounding their long, thick erect penises in and out of each others gaping man holes in a loving, wedded relationship
Bad Kiss
Who could think such a scenario is acceptable? But marriage between two smokin’ hot babes who live for no other purpose than to make each other writhe in orgasm via long, slow, wet cunnilingus, is completely acceptable and, in many cases, quite desirable. Hope this has been helpful, and be sure to let me know if you need clarification on anything else that Jesus wants. Have a great day basking in Christ’s love. A love which he shines equally on all God’s people. Amen.”
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
“Make each other writhe in orgasm via long, slow, wet cunnilingus…” Hahaha – you just summed up my Saturday night in one sentence.
Gonna be blogging it soon, when I’ve calmed down enough to write it up…! Hope the fundamentalists enjoy it 😮
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They will but will say they don’t cause Jeebus wouldn’t approve. Weirdos. Sounds like your Saturday was great! Can’t wait to read about it. Yummy.
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The sad thing is you’re probably right about all of this…Great job translating the ‘Christian’ (or rather ‘male’) mindset for all us infidels out there!
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While Fundies most certainly do not condone lesbians getting married either, there is no doubt in my mind that it is a deep fear and hatred of gay men by men in various religious groups that is the preeminent motivating factor behind the “ban gay marriage” bullshit that goes on.
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I know what you mean…and I’m pretty sure you’re right on the money. Of course they can’t ‘come out’ and say only gay men are icky, but I think it’s a well established fact a great deal of heterosexual men get off on the idea of two women getting together to have a pillow fight, wash a car, etc. I’m sure that line of thinking echoes in the thoughts of those strongly opposing gay marriage. In fact, I’m pretty sure we’d have gay marriage in a lot more places if homosexuality only transpired between women.
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Absolutely.
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Ha! I love it! I think x-ians should adopt the Star Wars thing adapted to suit them of course. “May the hypocrite be with you”
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Hippocrates himself would be impressed at how far from his code their actions stray from their god’s instructions to them. “Do onto others as you would have them do unto you.” Unless, of course, they’re gay.
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A gem in content and dialogue – you are on top of your game Sir.
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Thank you, sir. Praise be the Lord.
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“Christians United in Love to Hate Faggots”
Priceless.
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Isn’t it though. Hypocrisy and Christianity go together like lube and car engines.
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Laughing my ass off!
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Jesus loves you for it, too.
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😀
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“Christians United In Love To Hate Fags”
Do they have a periodical i can subscribe to?
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I believe they do. I’ll look into for you. They’re a great bunch. Weekend cookouts, Christmas grab bags, and an annual cruise around the Virgin Isles all are yours if you sign up and can prove you’ve ridiculed at least one gay man to tears in your life. Amen.
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Cracking!
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I’ll have them send you the paperwork for membership.
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Hey, found this. Sure going to make the Fundies happy
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/belief/2012/apr/20/was-jesus-gay-probably
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I heard about that. What’s awesome is it’s written by an Anglican priest. Yes. It’ll piss em off. Though, they’ll simply get some of their better apologists to poo-poo it into but an attack on the REAL Jesus. Fucking idiots.
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This has indeed shed quite some light on the issue
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I thought it would.
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You can’t be a good Christian if you’re not also a hypocrite.
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Now I have learnt
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And so have Ye been saved, for only by knowing what it is the truth, the whole truth, and nothin’ but the truth can you be free. Amen.
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