Conspiracy Expert Says Nothing Existed Before Yesterday

The Beginning Of Time

The Beginning Of Time

In a shocking statement made before the U.S. Supreme Court this morning, Conspiracy expert and Catholic priest, Fr.Walter Pedofile, revealed that nothing in the universe existed before yesterday. “Existence began yesterday at 12:01 AM, Central Standard time,” Fr. Pedofile said to the court. “The reason we think things have been around for 13.8 billion years is because God created us with that thought imbedded in us already. But trust me when I say, we are all but one day old. And to make matters even more nebulous, if my calculations are correct, and they always are, nothing will exist after tomorrow either. We came from nothing and we will return to nothing once again, after enjoying but a 72 hour respite. That is the way of the Lord. Ours is not to reason why, but to accept the crazy shit God does. For, in the end, if you really think hard about it, there’s not a bloody thing we can do about it. Hope you all have a great day and enjoy yourselves. It’s the last any of us will ever have.”


44 thoughts on “Conspiracy Expert Says Nothing Existed Before Yesterday

  1. “Fr.Walter Pedofile”…so I guess we’ve dispensed with being subtle then, have we?;)
    Great post, definitely made my 72 hours on this rock worthwhile!

    • I deny the allegation that that name isn’t subtle and my order will now remove me to an undisclosed location where I’ll make another such non-subtle name up and you won’t know about it. 😀

  2. You mean I could have had the cheesecake AND the full meal?? And not worry about calories? Damn I should have read this yesterday!

  3. I was so looking forward to my summer vacation. And what do I do with yesterday’s trash? And does this mean I no longer have to do laundry?

  4. I got ripped off. If these memories are implanted at least he could have implanted some better ones… fuck

  5. Have a good time too

  6. Sorry you eminence, but I just caught you in flagrantum delicti, adding you own words to his holiness’ own revelation! Proof: “crazy shit” CANNOT proceed from the sanctified mind of such a holy representative of the most holy vicars of Cheesus!
    Now confess, say 1000 Hail Tom & Jerry, and thou shall be shaved!

  7. Bursts into song:
    “You make me feel so young……..”

  8. Mmm, in that case, i think i’ll take my dogs our for an extra special, extra long walk

  9. Good news here. There is no past, I have no future. Think I’ll buy a bag of potato chips, a bar of chocolate and a bottle of vodka and celebrate. Let it be.

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