Backwater, Tennessee. An outspoken, and very angry, Southern Christian pastor, The Reverend James Tightsphincter, is claiming the new version of “Cosmos” is not only dumb, it’s stupid.
“First off,” Mr. Tightsphincter said this morning, “Mike Tyson is a gosh darned ex-boxer and a convicted felon! What in the H E double toothpicks makes him qualified to host a program about the cosmos? Really?! I mean COME ON!!! Secondly, it is HIGHLY insulting to air such, excuse my French, crud on TV because it is demeaning to Christians like me who are very, very smart and know that the Bible is the ONLY truth there is to EVER know about space and stuff! OOH!!!! I’m telling you, I could poop nickles right about now, I’m so mad!!! Does Mike Tyson think, that just because he’s a big, bad tough guy with a tattooed face, that he can go on TV and tell people lies about the origin of man?! That no good-nick! God made man, and he made him 6000 years ago. That’s an undeniable fact, Mr. Heavyweight Man! And that, excuse my French again, crud you said about the universe being billions of years old is also NOT true. You liar, liar pants on fire, you! There’s harm in telling such lies, pal. They have frightened and angered my poor Jesus loving children SOOOO much, they stormed the local library and pee-peed on every book they found which contained pictures of boxers and/or stars in it.
You are dumb, Mr. Mike Tyson! And one day, you’ll get your comeuppance because I, and many other Southern Christian conservatives like me, have really, really big guns and we KNOW how to use them! We are not afraid Mr. Blasphemer. We are not afraid of you one tiny bit. Now why don’t you put that on your stupid TV show and smoke it, eh?