Once again, I’m proud to introduce, all the way from the planet Dagobah, movie critic extraordinaire and Jedi Master, Yoda with his very special guest, The Dark Lord of the Sith himself, Darth Vader.
Yoda: Hello my young Padawans. Jedi Master Yoda, I am. With me today Darth Vader is. Know him you all do I’m sure. The movie Noah he has come to discuss. (He turns to Vader) To Dagobah I thank you for coming, Lord Vader, or call you Anakin, should I?
Vader: THAT is a name that no longer has any meaning for me!
Yoda: Meaning it had when from the Emperor Luke saved you. Lost that meaning have you? Happened something has? The Dark Side I feel growing in you. Calm it you must or consume you it will.
Vader: Master Yoda. I am a Dark Lord of the Sith. Not a child. Is it not enough that work is so sparse for the Sith these days, I’ve been reduced to reviewing movies with you just so I can buy batteries for my light sabre? Must you give me lectures on the Force, as well?
Yoda: Frustration I feel in you, Lord Vader. And conflict. This must you release. Frustration leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering. A Jedi’s mind, calm must it be. Relaxed. Or doomed you will be. Forever.
Vader: OK, Yoda, that’s it. Now it’s my turn to talk. First, I thought you invited me here to discuss Russell Crowe’s new movie, Noah, not to lecture me. Second, I am a Sith Lord, NOT a bloody Jedi. And to hell with what happened in Return of the Jedi. That was just a damn movie. Christ, we both died in that movie, yet here we are now, in the flesh, with you lecturing me almost to the point of madness. So, if you’re finished with the lectures, let’s talk about Noah. That’s why you asked me to come here in first place. Isn’t it?
Yoda: Lied I did.
Vader: What? You? You don’t lie. About what, exactly?
Yoda: Reason to Dagobah for you to come. Lied about it, I did. Seen Noah, I have not. Discuss it I can not. Will see it now, if with me you will come. Discuss it later we will. Come. Your ticket I will buy, popcorn, too, but go now we must, or late will we be. Previews must I see or ruined the movie will be. Aisle seat, too, must I have, or tense I will become, and leave early I will. Hurry we must. Avoid these things we must. Or sad will I be. Cry I will.
Vader: Alright already. I get the idea. And FYI, I haven’t seen the movie either. I went to the theater last night to see it, but was asked to leave after I Force-choked the ticket sales guy to death for short-changing me. I was going to fake like I’d seen the movie during our discussion of it by nodding my head a lot and agreeing with you on everything. So yes. Let’s go to the show and see it! I’ll even get you diner afterwards. But just ask me outright next time if you want me come by to see a movie. Lying is bad. It’s a path to the Dark Side. An old friend told me that once, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.