TACP is proud to present, for the first time in the history of humanity, an interview with Adam, the first ever man.
ACP: Welcome, Adam. And thanks for agreeing to do this interview.
Adam: Yep. No problemo, por favor, Senioritio bandito! Hey, dude. Do you mind if I fire up a dube while we’re talkin’? It’ll help me come down from all the coke I snorted last night. I’m fuckin’ jonezin’, man! JONEZING!!!
ACP: Well, this is a no smoking building, Adam, and I’m certain that policy covers refer. So please, don’t fire up the dube. I don’t want to pay a fine.
Adam, The First Man, Telling His Story
Adam: Fuck man! You are such a fuckin’ Momma’s boy! Do you ALWAYS follow the rules adults make for you? Shit. If you’d have been in Eden way back in the day, I bet your ass would have said “no” to Eve when she said, “Fuck God. He’s an asshole. Let’s eat a fucking apple.” Fuck, dude! Where’d civilization be now if some shit like that had happened? Huh? Where, dude? Where? Gone, man! Gone! And, hey, don’t worry ’bout the dube. I’ll just pop a few of these Oxycontin, and I’ll be good ta go.
ACP: I never realized you were such a fan of pharmaceuticals, Adam. What does your wife, Eve, have to say about that?
Adam: Eve? Wife? Fuck, Einstein, that bitch dumped my ass and divorced me the second we left Eden. Told me I was, “uncouth” and “lacked strong morals.” Fuckin’ hoochie momma! How dare she!? If I hadn’t told God she forced me, at gun point, mind you, to eat that fucking apple, where’d she be now, huh? Where? In Paradise with God! That’s where! In Paradise with an old man, pervert God who used to peek at ‘er when she showered AND when she peed. I know, dude! I was fuckin’ there peekin’ with him! Fuck, it was my idea even. “God,” I says ta God one day, ” Have you ever seen the ass you made for Eve up close? I mean UP CLOSE? It’s a fuckin’ MASTER PIECE, DUDE! A fuckin’ work of art worthy of a God like you, man. Come by when she’s showerin’, dude, and we’ll spy on ‘er.” So one day, God comes by while Eve’s in the shower, and the two us spy on her naked ass through a hole I made in the room adjoining the shower stall. Hot fuckin’ times, dude. Hot fuckin’ times!
ACP: So you’re telling me that you and God, The Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, spied on Eve, your wife, while she showered in Eden? Is that what you’re saying?
Adam: Yes. Why? Do you have a fuckin’ problem with it or something, momma’s boy?
End Part One
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
LOL and i never knew they had oxycotton when adam & eve were divorcing
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The things you learn in a fictitious, satirical piece, eh? 🙂
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lol, yes that’s the best way
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😀
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Great interview! Much better than I have ever seen done by Barbara Walters or Ophra.
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Don’t say I said this. Back in primary school we had these cheeky dudes who would come with mirrors to class and place them on the floor to have a peek especially when there was no teacher in class and then they would go talking about the colours. Crazy days those were
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Ah yes! The old mirror technique. I know fellas who tried it and got caught by the gals, some actually were quite flattered. 8th grade Catholic kids were very kinky back in the day.
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I don’t know if you’re aware of it, but there’s a (very explicit, so be warned) gay dating site called adam4adam.com…Feel free to work that into your work if and when you please. It sounds like something you may like to know. As for this Adam, I rather like him, cause he was created in god’s image and if god is anything like this dude, then he’s not half a bad a god as I thought he was;)
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I’ve heard of that site. I will work it in somehow, perhaps. The explicitness bothers me not, and it apparently doesn’t bother Southern Christian homophobes either.
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Don’t feel obliged to work it in…just figured I’d mention it, cause the name of that side seems right up your alley;)
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Oh, it’ll turn up somewhere.
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LOL — did Adam leave the dube behind? 😈
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He did, and I promptly disposed of it. 🙂
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hahah — ‘disposed’ of it. Clever terminology.
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Funnily enough I knew a bloke – well I played squash against him from time to time – who had popped the centre of a knot in the woodwork separating the ladies changing room from the gents. He was called Adam and whilst I cannot claim to be God I would – at his behest of course – along with the entire male membership at the club (apart from the local vicar who frowned and stared down at the tiles when invited to peek) often take a view through said hole. Not all the bums us chaps spotted were as you describe here though.
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I too have partaken in such prurient and lurid activities as a young man in Catholic school. We fellas devised an ingenious way to gaze up girls skirts as they walked up a large stairwell in our school. We cleverly hid under it and were able to look up through the boards at the girls going up the stairs. We did this until we were caught by Sr. Cabrini, school principal and God’s representative of decent moral behavior on Earth. We never did it again after that.
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Nice one – for my part I once (as a very young man) albeit not the prime mover of the wheeze, conducted a covert operation in the ladies loo of a pub whereby clear cling film was applied the the toilet and thereafter the seat was put back down. It was not long before we heard the cry of ‘bastards’ I can tell you! Obviously wouldn’t dream of doing such a thing now.
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Now THAT, Sir, is hilarious! Damned sorry I hadn’t thought of doing it myself years ago. Funny.
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Hysterical!
And Brilliant!
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I thank you, and Uncle Sam thanks you. Why? Don’t know. He just does.
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Oprah!? That bitch owes me big bucks! You tell her if you see her I’m coming for her. And this time, sorry ain’t gonna cut it!
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Hahaha!
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😀 Yeah Baby! Yeah!
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