TACP is proud to present, for the first time in the history of humanity, an interview with Adam, the first ever man.
ACP: Welcome, Adam. And thanks for agreeing to do this interview.
Adam: Yep. No problemo, por favor, Senioritio bandito! Hey, dude. Do you mind if I fire up a dube while we’re talkin’? It’ll help me come down from all the coke I snorted last night. I’m fuckin’ jonezin’, man! JONEZING!!!
ACP: Well, this is a no smoking building, Adam, and I’m certain that policy covers refer. So please, don’t fire up the dube. I don’t want to pay a fine.
Adam: Fuck man! You are such a fuckin’ Momma’s boy! Do you ALWAYS follow the rules adults make for you? Shit. If you’d have been in Eden way back in the day, I bet your ass would have said “no” to Eve when she said, “Fuck God. He’s an asshole. Let’s eat a fucking apple.” Fuck, dude! Where’d civilization be now if some shit like that had happened? Huh? Where, dude? Where? Gone, man! Gone! And, hey, don’t worry ’bout the dube. I’ll just pop a few of these Oxycontin, and I’ll be good ta go.
ACP: I never realized you were such a fan of pharmaceuticals, Adam. What does your wife, Eve, have to say about that?
Adam: Eve? Wife? Fuck, Einstein, that bitch dumped my ass and divorced me the second we left Eden. Told me I was, “uncouth” and “lacked strong morals.” Fuckin’ hoochie momma! How dare she!? If I hadn’t told God she forced me, at gun point, mind you, to eat that fucking apple, where’d she be now, huh? Where? In Paradise with God! That’s where! In Paradise with an old man, pervert God who used to peek at ‘er when she showered AND when she peed. I know, dude! I was fuckin’ there peekin’ with him! Fuck, it was my idea even. “God,” I says ta God one day, ” Have you ever seen the ass you made for Eve up close? I mean UP CLOSE? It’s a fuckin’ MASTER PIECE, DUDE! A fuckin’ work of art worthy of a God like you, man. Come by when she’s showerin’, dude, and we’ll spy on ‘er.” So one day, God comes by while Eve’s in the shower, and the two us spy on her naked ass through a hole I made in the room adjoining the shower stall. Hot fuckin’ times, dude. Hot fuckin’ times!
ACP: So you’re telling me that you and God, The Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, spied on Eve, your wife, while she showered in Eden? Is that what you’re saying?
Adam: Yes. Why? Do you have a fuckin’ problem with it or something, momma’s boy?
End Part One