TACP is very pleased to have Jedi Master, and movie critic, Yoda joining us today from Dagobah. He’s here to share his opinion with us on the new Biblical film, “Son of God.” And, as an added surprise, Yoda will be joined in his discussion of the film by none other than Scientologist and actor, Tom Cruise.
Tom is here because he broke into TACP offices this morning, hid under my desk, waited for me to arrive, then leaped out, dressed as a Ninja, and threatened to kill me when I did. Apparently, he’s angry about a post I wrote which was critical of Scientology. No one’s allowed to do that or they threaten to kill you, it seems. In order to calm him, and have him not kill me, I offered him the opportunity to be Siskel to Yoda’s Ebert and to review the film, with Yoda, when he arrived. Thankfully, for me, he agreed.
So, now, without further ado, I’d like to present, Mr. Tom Cruise and Jedi Master, Yoda with a review of the film, “Son Of Man.” I will act as moderator for their discussion.
ACP: Tom. Yoda. Welcome. Please be seated, and tell us your thoughts on the movie. And thank you, Tom, for agreeing to do this and not kill me.
Tom: Ya, whatever. You’re lucky. Just remember that, OK? L U C K Y! Lucky. But, Hey, Yoda! Mr. Force guy! Do you know about me? Who I am? I’m a Scientologist, Yoda. Do you have A CLUE as to what that entails? Does ANYONE! I’m obligated, Yoda. OB LEE GAAATT EEED! to help people in need, no matter where I see them, and no matter WHAT I’m doing! Should I see a person in need, I’m right fuckin’ there! RIGHT FUCKIN’ THERE, MAN!! THAT is Scientology, Yoda! THAT is what I’m talkin’ about! Scientology does not deserve to be picked on by idiots like this Pontificator guy. And dude, I didn’t kill ya, but I’m still gonna beat your ass for picking on MY FUCKIN’ FAITH!!!! Scientologists stick together, man. We stick like FUCKIN’ glue. To each other. THAT is ME, Yoda! THAT is Scientology. GLUE!
ACP: Excuse me, Tom? Tom?!
Tom: WHAT!!! WHAT, MAN???? WHAT THE F.. U.. C..K DO YOU WANT, ASSHOLE!!!!!
ACP: I want you to discuss “Son of God” with Yoda. That’s why he’s here.
Tom: Oh, Ya, I almost forgot. I’m sorry Master Yoda. Forgive me. It’s just that when people mess with Scientology, it’s our duty to kill them.
Yoda: Violent this is. A path to suffering, and the Dark Side, it is. Worth that, Scientology is not. Let go of all you have learned to hate, or forever will it dominate your destiny.
ACP: Gentlemen, I’m really not trying to rush anything, but the movie hasn’t once been mentioned by either of you.
Tom: Movie? What fucking movie?! Do I even LOOK like I’m in the mood to watch a fucking MOVIE?!
ACP: “Son of God,” Tom. That movie. The one Yoda came here all the way from Dagobah to discuss. Remember?!
Yoda: Excuse me, you must, Mr. Pontificator. But about this, talk we must.
ACP: What does that mean? “Talk we must?” I’m fucking paying YOU to talk, Master Yoda, not me. I paid for YOU to come here from 8000 light years away so YOU could talk! And who’s talking now, instead of you? ME!!!!
Tom: WOOO! WOOO! WOOO! Calm down there, Kemosabe! It’s a movie were talking about here,right, not the end of the world.
ACP: MOVIE? What movie have YOU been talking about? NO ONE has said a fucking word about a fuckin’ movie, but ME!!!!
Yoda: That’s why important it is to talk. But calm, you must become. Let the Force flow through you. Anger leads to hate. And hate is a path to the Dark Side. To confront that which triggers the Dark Side in him, must a Jedi always be ready to do.
ACP: Oh, for fuck sake! Alright, Master Yoda, what is it you need to talk about?
Yoda: “Son of God,” seen it not, I have. Religious zealots in the theater there were. Afraid, I was. Afraid for my life, I was. Evil are Christians. Angry. Afraid. Unclear of the right path. God matters not. Movies matter not. Jesus matters not. Objects of attachment, they are. To the Dark Side, they lead. To the Sith. It is the Sith I see in Christians. Controlled they are by hate. Powerless they are over it. Blinded they are by its heat. The Force. Around them, it is. Penetrating them. Talking to them, it is. But hear it, they do not. See it, they do not. Clouded their minds are. Clouded, and full of hate. Damned will they be, if from this darkness they do not soon rise.
ACP: Damn, Master Yoda. That was a cool speech. Fuck the movie review. That little speech was much better than any review would have been, even if you had seen the movie. Let’s go get a pizza, wadda ya say? Oh, Tom, just to satisfy my curiosity, before we head out. Did you, by any chance, actually happen to see “Son of God?” You know, the film I asked you to review with Yoda? The one I’ve been yelling about for half an hour now?
Tom: See what now? “Son of God?” Why the fuck would I, as a Scientologist, and an aid to the planet, go to see a Christian piece of shit movie like that? No. I didn’t see it. Happy now?
ACP: That’s what I thought. And yes, I’m happy now. Live and learn, Tom. We live and we learn. Let’s go get some pizza!