TACP is proud to present a Q & A session with none other than the nemesis of goodness himself, Satan. Let’s get right to it, shall we.

Satan: A Nicer Fella Than Ya’d Think

ACP: How the hell are you, Satan old chum?

Satan: I’ll be better once you get all the innuendos and other types of Satanic word play out of your system and just ask me questions outright. I’m a busy man. I’ve a date tonight with Liz Taylor, and I haven’t a THING to wear. So I’m off to Saks 5th Ave on 5th Ave after this interview to buy a new suit, one I’m hoping can take my heat, if ya get my drift!

ACP: I think I do. Well, I must thank you for agreeing to this interview, Satan. We here at TACP are very proud of the Biblical celebrities who’ve spoken to us over the past several months, and it only seems right that we interview you as well. You take a lot of “heat,” shall we say, for things that are considered wrong with the world. Let me ask you flat-out a big question many have about you: Are you responsible for all the evil in the world? And if so, why? Why bring evil to the world, I mean?

Satan: Well, let me tell you right out that NO! I’m NOT responsible for bad and evil stuff that happens in the world. God is. I didn’t make the Universe from nothing, God did. I didn’t build humans out of clay to do my bidding then get pissed at them cause they ate a banana, and I didn’t toss them out of Paradise for it to suffer on Earth. I had NOTHING to do with ANY of that. Also, I didn’t make ME. God did. The ONLY thing I’ve ever done, is piss off God by laughing at the stupid shit he always does. Shakespeare always tells me I’m like the Fool in “King Lear” who continually tells Lear he fucked up by giving away his land to his psycho daughters who then treat him like crap. I merely point out to God, like the Fool does to Lear, the stupid things he’s done that he doesn’t like pointed out to him. I’ll list a few of them here cause I like doing that:

1. I pointed out to him, as I still do, that HE created pain and suffering and HE can end it if HE wanted to. He doesn’t like that HE is responsible for EVERYTHING, including all the painful shit that happens, so he tries to blame that stuff all on me: A token fallen angel, whatever the hell that is. I mean, I bloody fell ONCE in my life cause I tripped over a shoe box, once mind you, but other than that, I’ve not fallen from anything ever in my life. I’ve been running Hell, but I’ve always done that since God made it. Hell, I no more made Hell than I made Heaven. I’m only doing the job he made me for. It ain’t my idea to put people down there. It’s God’s. I actually make it kinda nice for folks who go there. Really, it ain’t so bad down there. I mean, it’s HOT, but so’s Hawaii, and people don’t bitch about that, now do they?

2. God hates it that I continually tell him he’s an asshole for being angry about Adam and Sue (Her name was Sue, not Eve, BTW. Please don’t believe MOST of what those idiots wrote in the Bible. Drunkards. Every last one of ’em.) I mean, Adam and Sue ate a friggin’ banana God said not to. So what? Compared to the shit he’s done, SO BLOODY WHAT? God made pain where none existed before; self-doubt when it’s not needed or good for people to have, and he made Hell, where he places the people HE made to burn for doing things HE could have prevented to begin with. These are the actions of a fool, not a god. Who can argue with this?!

3. God is a self loving child with little love or compassion for anything but himself. He hates that I always tell him this, but it’s true, and if he wanted me to stop telling it to him, he could make me stop, but he doesn’t. Sigmund Freud tells me it’s because God always wanted to have sex with his mother growing up, but, since he has no mother, his lust is for whoever she might have been, and it’s free-floating and just NASTY. Freud says God’s even more fucked in the head than your average fucked in the head person because of this and NO amount of analysis could help him. He hates himself but won’t admit it, so he keeps me around to torment him for his wrongs. Bad for us, his creations, eh?

So there you have it. God’s an asshole who I mock. Thus, he blames shit on me that’s actually his fault. He made Hell, and it is because of him people suffer. Not me. I’m a fun guy. Really, I’d have to be for being able to put up with God as my boss all these years. He just doesn’t want to face how much he’s fucked everything up because he’s a child: a bratty child who’s so spoiled by his own power and self-love he fails to see just how sick and evil he is. That’s God for you folks, in my humblest opinion. Ta Da!!! Wadda you think?

ACP: WOW! That was quite the summary, Satan. Thanks for sharing that with our readers today. I know you need to run to buy that suit you mentioned, but would you mind coming back some time to fill us with more of your insight into the Divine One’s ways?

Satan: Sure thing. Just gimme a holler, and I’ll pop back up, next week maybe even. We’ll see. Bye now.

ACP: Goodbye. And thanks again for a most informative interview. I kinda like you, Satan. You’re OK in my book.