Lutheran Jesus
Catholic Jesus
Lutheran Jesus and Catholic Jesus agree, quite strongly, that the other Jesuses in the world, Presbyterian Jesus and Methodist Jesus, to name two, are inferior Jesuses to both of them. This, they say, is because Catholic Jesus was the first and only Jesus with true power until Lutheran Jesus came into being and gained power, as well, some 1500 years later. Every other Jesus who’s popped up since then is merely imitating Lutheran Jesus and has no legitimate claim to the title of TRUE Jesus, the two say. They have also sworn an oath to each other that whosoever wins the battle will summarily seek out and kill all other Jesuses, and all those who follow them. So if you are one of those “other” Jesuses, or one of their followers, you may want to do some converting right about now to even your post fight chances of survival from 0 to an even 50/50. The future of all of Christendom is at stake with this fight, as well as the lives of millions of people. So be sure and watch “Jesus vs Jesus” on HBO this Valentines Day. It’s a fight you’ll literally be dying to see who wins.
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
My brother-in-law is now following you. Luckily for the neighborhood kiddies, my Sis lives in a Jewish neighborhood. Not a Christian baby in sight.
LikeLike
Awesome. Tell him hello. I’m going to start a tirade against Islam next. Gonna be fun!
LikeLike
Yeah…no, not for me, thanks. Had it been Jesus vs. Mohammed I probably would have tuned in. I guess the winner of this fight will eventually have to face Mohammed at some point.
Sorry for my tepid response, but as an atheist I just feel left out when Christians start fighting each other. The stupidity of it is enjoyable of course, but still, why aren’t atheists invited to fight this battle?
(Loved your post, though!)
LikeLike
Because a-theists are Satan-spawned evil pieces of shit, duh! And Mohammed is a made up god, not a real one like the Jesuses out there, duh! Get some “Faith”, son, before it’s too late for you to be saved.
LikeLike
Ah, okay, that makes perfect sense to me. Thank you, you may consider me repented…so is there a place where we can place bets on who gets to win Jesus vs. Jesus?
LikeLike
The only thing thing to wager on this battle is your immortal soul, though not single piece of evidence exists showing any of us actually has such a thing. BTW, later today I’m posting a tirade against Islam. I’m gonna up the ante and just face the death threats.
LikeLike
You are my hero. Good for you for not sparing Islam from ridicule. And good luck living in hiding afterward!
LikeLike
Indeed. But fuck ’em. They suck and I’m sayin’ so!
LikeLike
Come on! Mormon Space Jesus could kick both their asses! That fucker is the ruler of the Celestial Kingdom, which i might add, is full of women making him sandwiches and spirit babies!
LikeLike
Naw. He’s confined to THIS reality. He can’t pop into the invisible unseen realm of Heaven and create universes from nothing. Joseph Smith tried too hard to make sense out of the shit that was filing his head. Catholic Jesus wins. He LOVES pain!
LikeLike
Not a chance. Do you have any idea of the power required to get a woman to make you a sandwich? This isn’t Obi Wan Kanobi post-Battle Star powers here. Oh no.
LikeLike
You have a point. Also, if you’re a good Mormon boy, I do believe you can become god of your own planet one day.
LikeLike
But still, Catholic Jesus, and his bloody ripped up body will win. I’ve met no masochists greater than the Catholics. I grew up as one.
LikeLike
But Mormon Space Jesus plays with Super Massive stars… for fun! And don’t forget the sandwiches.
LikeLike
The PAIN MAN!!! THE BLOOD!! Look at what Catholic Jesus went through! And ALL for YOU!!!! You don’t see space Jesus wearing whip marks and bleeding like a stuck pig now, do you, boy’o! No! You don’t. Catholic Jesus, he asked the Romans to whip him more times AND HARDER. Space Jesus, Hell, he’s just a bloody spirit that can’t be hurt any way! It’s all about the suffering man! All about the PAIN!!! Nuns baby! They done learned me right!
LikeLike
So he endured an afternoon of mild discomfort. You ever eaten a sandwich on the surface of a star?
LikeLike
A toasted chicken sandwich with spicy mustard and hot peppers?
LikeLike
Of course.
LikeLike
Well then, let’s have that sandwich, drink a few brews, then watch the fights! Who needs Jesus! Oh, you’re in Brazil, too. We can eat sandwiches and watch the Gracie’s grapple! That’ll be fun. And we’ll leave the women home to make more sandwiches!
LikeLike
Oh, I’m not in possession of such power. 10 years and i still haven’t had my wife make me a sandwich! 🙂
LikeLike
Oh. Me either. I’ve never had a woman make me a sandwich. Oh well. Guess we’re not good enough Mormons. Religion. Man. What a waste of energy, eh?
LikeLike
I was just reading more on Mormonism. What a group of whack-jobs. They and Scientologists need to be locked away, then the other Christian faiths should follow. Crazy shit.
LikeLike
“Do you have any idea of the power required to get a woman to make you a sandwich? ”
Yes, actually I do.
LikeLike
I’m getting hungry from all this sandwich talk.
LikeLike
Hahaha!
LikeLike
Now to find a woman to make me one!
LikeLike
You do that and you will have achieved Buddha-hood.
LikeLike
Indeed.
LikeLike
I will be waiting for this fight
LikeLike
Gonna be a good one. And bloody.
LikeLike
I’ve been scrolling through my reader over breakfast hoping you had posted today. And lo you have. My only problem now is that I have to rush down to the betting shop in the pissing rain to check out the odds before I place my wager. It seems to me you may have inside information on this Ali/Frazier type clash of the Titans – upon whom do you recommend I bet?
LikeLike
Go with the Catholic Jesus. Catholics can take a fucking pounding like no one else and they just keep coming back for more.
LikeLike
I am guessing that if it goes down to points the Inquisition won’t bother with a split decision unless the split is in quarters previously hung and drawn? So we have the Catholic at 1000/1 on – should I put the mortgage on it?
LikeLike
Yep. One of HAS to die. Two Christs enter, but only one Christ leaves. Bet on the Catholic.
LikeLike
Will do Sir – bloody fine post by the way.
LikeLike
Thank you, my betting friend.
LikeLike