I’m Going To Eat Alex Jones On Valentines Day

As some of you may already know, I am an a-theist cannibal who is driven by evil and sick impulses which I simply let run wild due to the fact I do not believe in Jesus. There is no better way to enjoy my a-theistic depravity than by consuming the flesh of Christian whack-jobs like Ken Ham and others like him who’ve deliberately and proudly chosen to be stupid, arrogant idiots. I’m saving Ken Ham to consume for my Easter dinner, as ham is more of a traditional Easter meal.

My Valentines Day Meal, Alex Jones

My Valentines Day Meal, Alex Jones

In the mean time, however, I’ve decided to eat conspiracy whack-job and jackass extraordinaire, Alex Jones, this coming Valentines Day. He REALLY annoys the shit out of me. Therefor, I’m going to boil him slowly alive in cooking oil for 8 hours, after first removing his tongue, Achilles tendons, and eye lids. I’m removing his tongue so I won’t have to listen to him scream while he boils, and I don’t want him running away, so I’m removing his Achilles tendons. His eyelids I’m removing because I want him watching every step of the cooking process I’ll be using on him right up to the moment he finally dies, which usually happens in or around hour six of the boiling process. Nothing conspiratorial here, just good ‘ole fashion cannibal cookin’ and flesh eatin’. Yummy, yum, yum, yum!

Man-Size Pot Of Boiling Oil

Man-Size Pot Of Boiling Oil

For those of you who may not know who Jones is, he runs a website called, “Alex Jones Infowars,” and has a YouTube channel devoted to his unimaginative and intellectually insulting conspiracy theories. He believes “evil” dark forces within the U.S. Government are responsible for 9/11 and, even more insultingly ignorant, The Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting which happened just over a year ago. Here’s a brief YouTube video with my future Valentines Day meal conspiring away on Sandy Hook and a few other similar tragic shootings: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XdTHuidmXE.  This guy is a douche bag wrapped inside a shit-filled diaper. There is a price for deliberately choosing to be a stupid, moronic idiot and loudly sharing this information with the world. And that price is me.

Mr. Jones, the only conspiracy going on is the one YOU are part of. You, sir, are part of a conspiratorial group of ignorant, uneducated, proudly stupid, lazy idiots, who’ve invaded my country with the intent of spreading your mindless, painfully annoying, hypotheses to others like an outbreak of bubonic plague. I’m going to eat you, Alex Jones, like I eat all those who I find offensive to humanity’s betterment. I’m going to boil you, slowly alive in oil, and then eat you. And what of you I don’t eat, I’ll feed to my dog.

My Dog Loves "People" Food

My Dog Loves “People” Food Too

I can do this because, as a Christ-less a-theist, I’ve no decent morals. I act on all the sick impulses I have churning deep within my godless being without guilt or shame of any kind. I love cannibalizing people like you, Alex Jones, at least on this blog, I do. So I’ll see you soon, Alex Jones, because I’m very, very hungry, and I MUST eat someone soon or I’ll simply go MAD!

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19 thoughts on “I’m Going To Eat Alex Jones On Valentines Day

  1. What a disturbing video. This is free speech?

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    • More like yelling fire in a crowded theater if you ask me, but I do like to know what it is people are thinking. This guy has a large number of followers. Americans are a very poorly educated batch of people, and what’s worse, is the pride so many of them take in their own ignorance.

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  2. So I made the grave mistake of checking out the Youtube video you provided a link to. My life is now divided:

    There have been 32 years I spent on this rock not knowing who Alex Jones is. It was a happy time.
    Then came that day (today) I saw two minutes of Alex Jones on Youtube. For obvious reasons I will spent the rest of my life sitting under a hot shower, trembling in agony as I’m trying to wash the knowledge of Alex Jones’ existence away.

    This guy is one disturbed and mentally derailed individual! I believe the government should become involved in cooking this one. Left and Right should unite in conspiring to cook this guy who makes no sense whatsoever.

    I would not be murder, it would be euthanasia: someone has to put this guy out of his misery.

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  3. You are the consummate essayist; a Lord of the brilliantly crafted put-down. I stand in awe, and bow.

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    • Thank you greatly, my friend. I stand in awe of your ability to present strong, brilliantly worded arguments that theists don’t understand and attack, and yet you so methodically and calmly are able to keep conversing with them and showing them a reasonable way of thinking which they refuse to accept. Fuck. I HAVE to mock ’em instead. I’d rather hit them, but legally, I don’t think that would be wise. Any way, thanks again.

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  4. The Grand Conspiracy: all popular conspiracy theories are just a conspiracy to conceal the truth.

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    • Correct. The real conspiracy is that the conspiracies are conspiratorial in and of themselves. This PROVES that the combined weight of multiple conspiracies ARE in FACT a conspiracy to hide the conspiratorial nature of conspiracies. Thus, Obama is indeed the Anti-Christ. Amen.

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  5. Reblogged this on The Daily Pause and commented:

    I really like how you “think”. It’s very disturbing in a humorous way. Perhaps, you may wish to reconsider opting out of eating these annoying “humans”, especially Mr. Jones, and choose someone “leaner”. By the looks of him, you could potentially clog your arteries/veins with his fatty “scum”.

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  6. “I’m saving Ken Ham to consume for my Easter dinner, as ham is more of a traditional Easter meal.”

    — that’s priceless

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  7. I had never heard of this bloke yet plainly he is a tosser – surely not fair to feed him to your dog though? You’re dog’s better than that. I must say we have our share of nutters this side of the pond yet for lunacy and ignorance off the scale, when the US gets its occasional religious twat you beat us hands down. Just think how great (greater) you nation would be without religion – a truly secular USA the world needs right now! So if you could organize something in that regard I’d be grateful.

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    • I’m trying. I actually just heard of this idiot today. But he’s got A LOT of followers, and some beautifully idiotic conspiracy theories going. The conspiracy theories are religions, their followers their disciples. The thinking is the same, as is the “no need for evidence” approach to the belief system. Idiots.

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    • It’s almost as if there is a collective thought process going on (which plainly it isn’t). The mental state of humans compelled to ‘follow’ the intellectually challenged smooth talker giving them the words they need to hear is a worry. I guessing here we need to evolve a bit more brain wise?

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    • We do. But to do that, we must admit we do not know everything and the universe doesn’t exist just for us. As a matter of fact, we matter not at all to the 14 billion year old universe. Humility and appreciation for that which is are gifts too few have.

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    • 100% agree – I’d wear the t-shirt only some religious twat would turn violent. My youngest got me the ‘Blessed are the Cheesemakers’ shirt last year (not that I like t-shirts). For a bit of sport I thought I’d wear it one fine Sunday morning whilst promenading with the missus along the sea front. Didn’t turn violent yet we counted (what boring twats we are) 27 looks of disgust/contempt and there was me thinking religion is on the decline in the UK!

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    • You should’ve started singing, “Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life,” to cheer up the evil-lookers. I honestly don’t mind what a person believes if it helps ease their passage through life, but if they expect me pay them great deference and kiss their arse because they have FAITH in some invisible dude, well fuck that, especially when they feel compelled to tell me I’m evil for not believing as they do.

      Like

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