Foods Without Gods: A Deity Free Grocery Store

The Arm Chair Pontificator is very proud to welcome our first ever commercial sponsor, “Foods Without Gods,” the first ever a-theist grocery store, where every item sold has been prepared free of any and all deities, 100% guaranteed!  Store Vice President, Hank Me’dickoff had this to say earlier today. “We at ‘Foods Without Gods,’ felt it was time we addressed the burning question EVERY a-theist has asked since before Moses parted The Red Sea: ‘Why in fuck’s name do I have no choice but to shop for groceries at stores where theists also shop and contaminate the food by touching it with their dirty, theistic hands?’ Well, my friends in non-belief, thanks to us here at ‘Foods Without Gods,’ no a-theist will ever have to ask that question again.

Anger A-theist Points Out A Theist Touching Produce In The Grocery Store

A-theist Tired Of Theists  Touching His Produce

The concept behind ‘Foods Without Gods’ is to provide, for a-theists, a grocery store free of deistic and theistic contamination, 100% of the time, 100% guaranteed.  Our a-theist customers can be rest assured that every food product sold in our stores has been raised, grown, and/or cultivated by faithless, godless, immoral bastards very much like themselves. However, to ensure that this standard is upheld, ‘Foods Without Gods’ employs dozens of former KGB surveillance and torture experts who continually spy on every supplier we purchase our products from. If any one of them or any one of their employees so much as says,’God bless you,’ after they hear a sneeze, they are quickly placed on a Medieval rack and tortured severely, for hours, in front of all their co-workers. Please believe me when I say this has proven to be a most effect technique in getting people to behave exactly the way we want them to.

He Won't Say, God Bless You, Ever Again After This, Ivan, You Wait And See

He Won’t Say God Bless You Again After This, Ivan. You Wait And See.

We also guarantee that our stores are free of theists by keeping several Trolls on the payroll at each store location. We hire a unique species of Scandinavian Troll that not only sniffs out and eats Christians, but Muslims, Jews, and ‘Spiritualists’ as well. The theist free environment within our stores allows us to sell specialized food items aimed at the godless, immoral, Jesus-hating, cannibalistic a-theists our stores were designed for.

Scandinavian, Theist Eating Trolls

Scandinavian, Theist Eating Trolls

One such product, ‘Christian Infant Boneless Meat Fillets,’ would surely be unsellable in a grocery store where theists also shopped. Hell, selling that product with theists around would, in all likelihood, get every one of our stores condemned, and each member of our senior staff convicted of, at the very least, manslaughter. But that, my godless friends, isn’t going to happen! We’ve got Scandinavian Trolls keeping us theist free. We can safely sell any morally depraved product our blackened hearts desire. So come on down to your local ‘Foods Without Gods’ a-theist grocery store as soon as you can. Your stomach will be very happy that you did.”

Raw Christian Infant Meat Fillets

Raw Christian Infant Meat Fillets

Advertisements

19 thoughts on “Foods Without Gods: A Deity Free Grocery Store

  1. Friend, how have you been?
    This is a great idea

  2. Can I be openly stoned and say sites like yours are defining this decade and will eventually be remembered for their pivotal role in beating idiocy, the way Rosa Parks is remembered for her contributions to public transportation?

    If I can’t be openly stoned, I’ll just say: Kudos on this one!

  3. Wow – I go to France & Belgium a lot. It is Belgium at the monasteries where the most sublime beers on the planet are brewed and sold. I’m bolloxed now! Bugger and thrice bugger! Why do Catholic monks have to make the best beer. Sir, my team just lost 5-1 now this.

  4. This was hilarious, loved the Russian part and the implicit reference to the revolution where the Cheka (KGB) killed of all the clergy and banned religion to the “benefit” of the “scientific Marxist socialist ideology” – great piece 🙂

    • Thank you very much. I really appreciate your kind words. Yep. Russian Socialist bullshit was as fucked up as any theistic bullshit. Just replaced one dogma with another and condemned non-believers. Mao Tse Tung, in Red China was a dick too. I knew a Chinese Catholic Priest who helped Catholics escape from China. He was caught, tortured and spent 8 years in prison there. He had massive scars across his back where his skin was flayed off during torture. When he was released, he was told if he was caught in China again, he’d be executed. ‘Til the day he died, he continued to sneak back in there to help people get out. Fr. Fu was his name, really a great man caring wonderful human being.

    • He does sound as such a man!

      And yes: All of these ideal worlds – dreamed up in the minds of people who are not willing to face the being-in-the-world problems that imprisons our existence in this particular world, in this particular time, in these particular human bodies, is doomed to fail.

      Man tries to force on the world, the idea of ‘perfect society’ and not realizing that ‘perfect society’ – ‘justice’ and ‘order’ are not ‘things’ or ideas that actually exists in the world – But they are abstract notions: Products of the human mind. They do not have any ontological status, they can’t explain our society and they certainly cannot provide any guidelines for it. They are ultimately subjective.

    • “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” Hamlet to Horatio

Comments are closed.