The Arm Chair Pontificator is very proud to welcome our first ever commercial sponsor, “Foods Without Gods,” the first ever atheist grocery store, where every item sold has been prepared free of any and all deities, 100% guaranteed! Store Vice President, Hank Me’dickoff had this to say earlier today. “We at ‘Foods Without Gods,’ felt it was time we addressed the burning question EVERY a-theist has asked since before Moses parted The Red Sea: ‘Why in fuck’s name do I have no choice but to shop for groceries at stores where theists also shop and contaminate the food by touching it with their dirty, theistic hands?’ Well, my friends in non-belief, thanks to us here at ‘Foods Without Gods,’ no a-theist will ever have to ask that question again.
The concept behind ‘Foods Without Gods’ is to provide, for a-theists, a grocery store free of deistic and theistic contamination, 100% of the time, 100% guaranteed. Our a-theist customers can be rest assured that every food product sold in our stores has been raised, grown, and/or cultivated by faithless, godless, immoral bastards very much like themselves. However, to ensure that this standard is upheld, ‘Foods Without Gods’ employs dozens of former KGB surveillance and torture experts who continually spy on every supplier we purchase our products from. If any one of them or any one of their employees so much as says,’God bless you,’ after they hear a sneeze, they are quickly placed on a Medieval rack and tortured severely, for hours, in front of all their co-workers. Please believe me when I say this has proven to be a most effect technique in getting people to behave exactly the way we want them to.
We also guarantee that our stores are free of theists by keeping several Trolls on the payroll at each store location. We hire a unique species of Scandinavian Troll that not only sniffs out and eats Christians, but Muslims, Jews, and ‘Spiritualists’ as well. The theist free environment within our stores allows us to sell specialized food items aimed at the godless, immoral, Jesus-hating, cannibalistic a-theists our stores were designed for.
One such product, ‘Christian Infant Boneless Meat Fillets,’ would surely be unsellable in a grocery store where theists also shopped. Hell, selling that product with theists around would, in all likelihood, get every one of our stores condemned, and each member of our senior staff convicted of, at the very least, manslaughter. But that, my godless friends, isn’t going to happen! We’ve got Scandinavian Trolls keeping us theist free. We can safely sell any morally depraved product our blackened hearts desire. So come on down to your local ‘Foods Without Gods’ a-theist grocery store as soon as you can. Your stomach will be very happy that you did.”