02.05.14
by

Yoda Talks With Jesus

Yoda e-mailed me this transcript of a conversation he had with Jesus a few months ago and I thought I’d share it with my readers. Check it out.

Yoda: For coming to Dagobah to talk, I thank you, Jesus.

Jesus Talking To Yoda

Jesus Talking

Jesus: No trouble, Master Yoda. I’ve loved you since 1980 when “The Empire Strikes Back” came out. I really hope J.J. Abrams can get the “Star Wars” series back to the quality exhibited in “Empire.” I’ll be bummed if he messes it up.

Yoda: In him, much faith I have. As many do in you. The Messiah, you are, some people say. From the dead have you risen, they proclaim. In this, much doubt I have. Explain this to me, you must.

Jesus: Well, it kinda has a lot to do with my dad, Yahweh. He’s a REALLY stubborn old bastard, to put it mildly. I mean that dude can hold a grudge over the silliest shit. For example, Moses once told him he was going to stop by one Sunday to watch football with him, but he got busy and forgot. Well, I’m telling you, you’d have thought Moses had tried to kill him the way he reacted. Screaming, yelling, throwing giant boulders into the ground to make the Earth quake, what a scene. And even after Moses apologized like 50 times, my dad STILL refused to talk to him for almost two centuries. So, this guy holds grudges, BIG TIME.

Yoda: Calm he must learn to keep his mind. Anger, excitement, petty attachments, these things are paths to the dark side of the Force. Once you go down its path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Warned, your father must be of this.

Jesus: Oh, I’ve warned him many times. But, he’s God, and being God, he thinks he gets to do whatever he wants, however he wants to do it. And, in reality, he does. That’s why, when he got angry with Adam and Eve, two humans he was keeping as pets in his zoo on Earth a few thousand years ago, he chose to act the child and proclaim he’d make them and ALL of their descendents suffer for it until the end of time. Thus, to this day, humans are made to suffer in many horrible ways. And all because Adam and Eve ate some fucking apple or peach that THE Lord God told them not to eat. He damn well knew they’d eat that fruit if he told them not to eat it. That’s WHY he told them not to eat it. Just to tempt them and to be an asshole. Then, when they do eat it, he goes on a tirade and makes life miserable for them and for EVERY human born since.

The Act That Condemned A Species

The Act That Condemned A Species

Yoda: Ways such as these are not those of the Jedi. For the Jedi, only by letting go of anger and jealousy can the Force truly reveal the true beauty of all life. The dark side do I sense in your father, Jesus. The ways of the Sith I sense in him.

The Dark side I Sense In Yahweh

The Sith I Sense In Yahweh

Jesus: I just sense the shitty ways of an old grouch when I think about him. He actually wanted me to let the Romans, 2000 years ago, whip me and crucify me as a way for humanity to be forgiven for the sin of Adam and Eve eating that damn fruit. Can you believe the nerve of that dude?

Yoda: This you did not do, I hope. Painful, meaningless, and needless does it sound. For one so powerful, Yahweh is yet so very weak. He would not a good Jedi make.

Jesus: Hell no, I didn’t do it! He wanted me to suffer horribly, die, and then come back to life three days later proclaiming I was the Messiah and the path to forgiveness and to life ever after in Heaven were to be found only through me. I told him to let the god damned Romans torture HIS ass and kill HIM if he wanted a patsy for some stupid “crime” Adam and Eve committed by eating a fucking piece of fruit. Of course, he didn’t do it. Who would? Only a masochistic idiot, I’d say.  The stories you hear about me being a Messiah and returning from the grave are just that, stories. Told mostly by St. Paul. A guy I don’t care for at all, but, of course, my dad just happens to love. See, Yahweh appeared to Paul, and told him what to say and write to start a religion based on me and the shit I wouldn’t actual do when he asked me to. So he had Paul lie, and say it happened any way. He made a whole religion, using my good name, that’s based on guilt, self-loathing, and the idea that humans are born stained because the first two ate a fucking piece of fruit Yahweh told them not to. Utterly ridiculous, sickening, and cruel. My Pop just isn’t very nice, is he?

Yoda: Nice he is not. Stopped he should be. The truth people should learn. Foolish to follow a god such as this, it is. A Sith Lord he is. Darth Logos his name now is. To call him another name, foolish it would be. The path of a Jedi for you, Jesus, awaits. Train you I can. The ways of the Force, teach you I must. For only then strong enough will you be to defeat your father, and his ways of evil forever end.

Darth Yahweh

Darth Logos

Jesus: I kinda like the sound of that, Master Yoda. Your pupil I will be. I do have one small request though.

Yoda: This I will do, if possible for me, it is.

Jesus: It’d make my millennium if you could ask J.J. Abrams, next time you talk to him, to give me a small cameo in “Star Wars Episode 7.” I don’t need a speaking part or anything. I just want to be in it, in a crowd shot, even.

Yoda: This will I do, my young Padawan. Now, time it is for you to begin your training. A great evil there is for you to overcome. A great evil.

Jesus: Let’s rock and roll, Master Yoda. Let’s rock and roll.

62 thoughts on “Yoda Talks With Jesus”

  1. I think I will commission a T-Shirt which will read: “More Yoda: Less Yahweh”
    Hell! There could be an entire line: “More Yoda: Less Mohammed” “More Yoda: Less Joseph Smith” and on and on. Baseball caps, Beer Mugs, Dildos etc. Awesome yes, this post is.

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  2. Surely this post deserves a Nobel prize?? For being able to write in “Yodish” is hard enough! Continue this story on a subsequent post, you should…

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  3. I think there’s a movie in here somewhere: ‘The Sith Sense’ perhaps? Trust me, you’re onto something with this one;)
    Clever piece of dialogue…I’m not that familiar with Star Wars, but I can only assume you did a great Yoda, the same way pegged the Irish accent in earlier posts (and hopefully in many posts to come).

    I’d like to see Jesus do a cameo in the upcoming Star Wars movie. They could also claim one of those storm troopers is Mohammed (that’s not showing Mohammed, because he’s covered in armor, so that idea is Fatwa proof)…but I’m digressing…

    The very first post I ever published was in fact a letter to Jesus, also going into the relationship with his father. For some reason it’s been getting some traffic lately (which I don’t particularly like, because it’s an awful piece I think)…but anyway, in case you’re interested: http://randomnessessities.com/2013/05/29/i-found-jesus-and-hes-being-ass-raped/

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    • I’ll definitely check it out. Oh, Robert da Reviewer speaks with a Scottish accent, not Irish. He insisted I tell you that. He considers the Irish to be, “A bunch ov hae’ witted girly men wi’ out e’en a wee man tae be foun’ among ’em dat could fight a Haggis, e’en a girly Haggis dat t’was hae’ wa’ dead!”

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    • Please pass on my sincerest apologies to Robert da Reviewer. I’m sure to him being confused with an Irish fellow is like telling Bill Pullman he’s Bill Paxton or something along those lines. I’m sorry, I just don’t have a sith sense for accents.

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    • I will. Sith like this happens with overly sithative individuals like Robert. Guy has to get a thicker skin. I’m always telling him that. Of course, he tells me I’m a sissy man for telling it to him, but I know, deep down, he appreciates it.

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  4. “Adam and Eve, two humans he was keeping as pets in his zoo on Earth”

    That, Sir, is awarded a Bazillion Points!

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  5. Fine post once more. Did you know that ‘Jedi’ is a ‘religion’ in the UK. You see at each census there is a tick box for the citizen to state their religion (if any). Should – I forget the exact number – sufficient people nominate a particular sect or whatever it becomes recognized as a religion. So, for a laugh thousands all over the UK entered ‘Jedi’ my eldest son included. I thought it a cool way to take the piss!

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    • I’ve heard that. Wish it really were a religion. A real one, I mean. There are a few folks I wouldn’t mind using a light saber on!

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    • If anyone did that here in the States, you know, say that “Jedi” was a religion for real, they’d be mocked for not taking religion seriously. Like resurrections and virgin births are less ludicrous than light sabers and Obi Wan Kenobi’s.

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    • The thing is there’s just as much ‘truth’ to Jedi as there is to all other religions. Shame more people can’t see that. ‘Tis all a load of bollocks!

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    • That it ’tis, my friend. It’s like arguing that Spiderman, Batman, and Thor are all just fantasy comic book characters but SUPERMAN, now that guy is REAL. I just don’t get how people can’t step back and see that their fantastic belief is JUST as asinine as the ones they KNOW aren’t real. I’ve friends who say Christianity is idiotic and not based on evidence who then turn around and tell me I’m naive to think aliens aren’t being kept in a fucking bunker in area 51 in the desert. EVIDENCE! Ugh!

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    • I’d like Mr Randomnecessities take on that one. By the way I’m running with a JC/Wise black lesbian new messiah piece later today which – I hope – will imply such a thing is possible (which plainly it isn’t). I’ll be interested in any feedback on it! Keep up the good work for – if you think about it – your quest for peace on earth!

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    • I’ll read it and give you feed back for sure.

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  6. Nice touch with Jesus not liking Paul 😉

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