Hello. This is Moses. Yes. THAT Moses, God damn it! Which Moses did you think it was? Your Uncle Moses from Jersey? Do you even have an Uncle Moses from Jersey? Does ANY ONE have an Uncle Moses from Jersey? I thought not, God damn it! So shut up a minute and let me talk already, God damn it! It’s come to my attention that several Rabbis, Christians, a-theists, and other such ninnies have been debating whether or not I ever existed. Apparently, some putzes think the stories in the Bible about me were just made up, and I am but a conglomeration of people combined into one guy by the writers of the Old Testament. Well, I’m here to tell you, that I AM Moses. I do exist, and I am the Moses written about in the Bible, God damn it! As well, the Jews did make an Exodus out of Egypt, and I was the one who lead them. I’m here to set things straight and explain why I think there’s debate about whether or not I actually ever existed.
You see, the stories in The Bible about me are true, but only on the level that they did happen. They are not true, at all, in the way the writers of the Old Testament interpreted them for the reader. Their purpose was to codify the Jewish religion and give it a historical context for future generations of Jews. In doing so, they failed to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth about my life and my on again off again relationship with Yahweh, God damn it! Let me tell you right off, Yahweh is NOT the only god there is. He just WANTS to be. He thinks that by threatening people with commandments he can scare them into blind obedience to him. I first meet Yahweh early one Summer morning while I was talking to some of the space aliens my adopted father, the Egyptian Pharaoh, Ramesses, had hired to build the pyramids.
Don’t ask me how he got in touch with these aliens, God damn it! Because I don’t know. I only know that Ramesses told them to be absolutely certain to leave behind no physical evidence they’d ever been here when they were finished. He apparently thought it would be funny to fuck with future generations who would be left guessing as to how the pyramids got built. If you ask me, waiting 4000 years for the punch line to a joke that you won’t be around to appreciate, isn’t funny at all, God damn it!
But back to my first meeting with Yahweh, God damn it! Like I said, I noticed a bush that was on fire as I was talking to one of the aliens, and I walked over to it to see what was going on. The bush, surprisingly, started to talk. It said, “Moses! Moses! I need you to follow me as my servant and accept me as your god.” Needless to say, my response wasn’t in the least flattering. I said to the bush, “God damn it! You’re a bush, burning out here alone the desert. What about this makes you think you’re leaving me with the impression that you’re a god of some sort? For all I know, you’re just a trick some of my friends have rigged up to make me look like a putz. I’m NOT following any god that can’t do better than this. If you are really a god, I have to tell you, you look an ass right now.”
Well, that must’ve embarrassed Yahweh, because I heard nothing else from him until my nephew’s bar mitzvah a few months later. Oh, before I forget, I always knew I was a Jew. I was found in the river by the Pharaoh’s wife, afloat in a basket, and wearing a tiny yamaka with a note attached to it that read, “Please take care of my Jewish baby, God damn it! because I can’t.” So Ramesses adopted me and made me his son. He knew, that since I was adopted and Jewish, I could never be a Pharaoh, so he spent a fortune to send me to Law School, and when I graduated, he made me Conciliary for the Ramesses Family. I was his legal muscle and representative from the day I graduated until the day Yahweh talked me into leaving Egypt with the other Jews. I had a great relationship with Ramesses, God damn it! And I miss him to this day.
Anyway, Yahweh appeared next at my nephew’s bar mitzvah as, once again, a burning bush. He appeared on a hill, not a mountain, just outside the back gates of my sister’s house. I went out to him, and he said to me, “Moses! God damn it! Why did you dis me last time I appeared to you? All I want to do is give you ten commandments for you and your fellow Jews to follow. Then I’ll help you flee the cruelty of your enslavement to Ramesses and lead you to your own land where you can worship me the way I want you to, free of demanding tyrants. Wadda ya say, big fella? Will you do this for me?”
Come back tomorrow for more of the story about me, Moses, who really does exist, God damn it!