Robert The Reviewer: The Critical Scotsman

TACP is proud to welcome Robert the Reviewer to our team of ace reporters. He is joining us from Edinburgh, Scotland where he’s worked as a media critic for several years. He was recently let go from his position as Ace Media Critic at the Edinburgh Times after it was discovered he’d actually never seen any of the movies he reviewed or read any of the books he critiqued. He simply parroted what he heard others say about whatever it was he was reviewing or flat-out made up a review based on something entirely unrelated. Well, we here at TACP admire he’s gusto and his brogue, so we hired him to review movies and books for our readers and have encouraged him NOT to see or read them before hand. In a society filled with people who rarely bother with details, like checking the facts before expounding on a topic about which they clearly know nothing, we feel his brand of criticism will be refreshing and welcome. And now, without further ado, I give you, Robert the Reviewer with his review of the film “Twelve Years a Slave.”

Robert The Reviewer

Robert The Reviewer

“Hello there, laddies and lassies. This ‘ere ’tis me fine review fer “12 Years a Bloody Slave”.  What a ‘orrlble place it ’tis ta be in, bein’ a slave ta some o’ter man. It reminds me ov da time I twas huntin’ a farrgin’ Haggis beastie wit me very own laddie, Robert Jr, who’s a wee bit ov a faggy sissy boy, but I tries ta luv ’em anyways. We was standin’ on top da moors of Edinburgh, waitin’ fer dat faggy Haggis beastie ta leap from its den so’s we could kill ’em ‘n eat ’em. When alls ov a sudden, he leaps o’ us fro’ behind ‘n knocks us out.  I came back ta me senses to da sound ov me faggy, girlie man son cry’in like a babe fer ‘is mommy. “Shut up, ya farggin’ faggy boy!” I tellz ’em. “Ya kin act like a farggin’ man, or I’ll kills ya me damn self, ya farrgin’ faggy boy, ya! We’z got ta plan a way out o’ dis Haggis den or we’ll wind up as Haggis food.”

The Elusive And Deadly Haggis

The Elusive And Deadly Haggis

Well, dat shut me girlie man son up long enough fer me ta reach da double barrel shot-gun I’s alway’s keep’s stuffed up me arse when I goes Haggis huntin’. Me Da’ taught me dat trick, and it saved me life ‘n the life of me faggy boy son dat day we was slaves ta dat Haggis. I also blew da ‘ead right off dat Haggis dat day wit me shot-gun. Shot da bastard as ‘e was stickin’ ‘is ugly Haggis tongue out at me. ‘Den I went ‘ome wit it, beat me wife fer havin’ such a faggy girly man fer a son, an’ den we craved dat Haggis, fried ’em, ‘n ate dat enslavin’ bastard right up. To conclude, indeed, “12 Years a Bloody Slave” would ne’ be a thing I’d wish on me own faggy son, ken.”  So eat yer Haggis, and stay away from der dens if’n ye’d rather not spend 12 years a bloody slave ta one. Dis ‘ere ‘as been Robert the Reviewer, an’ I’m sayin’ so long ’til next time. ‘Bye.


47 thoughts on “Robert The Reviewer: The Critical Scotsman

  1. Reblogged this on The Daily Pause and commented:

    Throw me a Haggis! How does Haggis taste? I’ve never had Haggis.

  2. Dude, your accent is wrong….
    They’re laddies, not boyo’s and
    “To conclude, “12 Years a Bloody Slave” t’would be a thing I’d not wish on me faggy son even.”
    should be
    ‘Indeed, “12 Years a Bloody Slave” would ne’ be a thing I’d wish on me own faggy son, ken.”

    • No. Robert’s accent is his accent. I said he worked for an Edinburgh paper. He’s not a native Scot. He just considers himself one.

    • lolololololol and I know that very few readers will understand that comment HAHAHAHA

    • You did. So that’s cool. If I were to write an authentic Scottish accent, I’d look it up on a linguistic web site first and translate each word. Are you Scottish? Ever hear the tune We’re no’ Awa’ Tae Bide Awa’. I love it.

    • I was married to a Scot. I’ve slogged around in knee deep mud to see scary Scotsmen throwing huge telephone poles around in a field. An adventure I’ll always remember. I had outdoor sex at Loch Ness. I’ve been a princess street widow. The camera obscura left a huge impression on me that spurred my interest in photography and science. I’ve seen Wallace’s sword, fought off the midgies, and had more than my share of 5 shilling.

      But I’m not Scots.

    • That counts. Sex at Loch Ness, eh? Damn good thing Nessie didn’t eat you. I hear she’s Christian and such activity offends her. Wallace’s sword would be just awesome to see. I’m not Scots either. Just like to think so since I saw Brave Heart in the 90’s. “Burn it!”

    • I have had an interesting life… I’ll admit it on occasion. At one time I spoke and understood even the brogue that normal Scot’s couldne ken.

    • How accurate are these lyrics. I thought myself this song and kinda hope these lyrics represent the dialect correctly. We’re No’ Awa’ Tae Bide Awa’

      For we're no' awa' tae bide awa',
         For we're no' awa tae le'e ye,
      For we're no' awa' tae bide awa',
         We'll aye come back an' see ye.
      As I gaed doon by Wilsontoon
         I met auld Johnnie Scobbie,
      Says I to him will ye hae a hauf,
         Says he, "Man! That's my hobby."
      So we had a hauf an' anither hauf,
         And then we had anither,
      When he got fou' he shouted
         It's Carnwath Mill for ever."
      We wandered doon the street again
         We cleekit unco cheery,
      When John got hame his wife cried shame,
         I see you're enjoyin' your hobby.
      Of a' the friens that ere I kenned,
         There's nane like Johnnie Scobbie,
      His hert is leal, he's true as steel,
         An' a hauf is aye his hobby.
      So whenever friendly friens may meet,
         Wherever Scots foregather,
      We'll raise our gless, we'll shout
         It's Carnwath Mill for ever.
      /Meaning of unusual words:/
      tae bide awa'=to stay away
      hauf=a measure of alcohol
      cleekit=walk arm in arm
    • I’ve since lost a lot of the ‘slang’ but the general measure of it is what I remember. When you expand or translate the words, the gate of the language is quit lyrical. Grammatically they take short cuts as do all people and use local colloquialisms so it makes it difficult to understand them outside of the context of their locality often enough. They say aye alot, but it is a generic affirmative response. (tis a bonnie day….. aye, an a bonnie morrow) Cleekit and unco I don’t remember… but it’s been awhile.

    • Just love how it sounds. Makes me want a pint every time I hear it. Here’s how it sounds: It’s a drinking song that guys who were going out to sea sang to their wives promising they’d return. It’s popular in Newfoundland too. Thanks for indulging me. I appreciate it.

    • ahh, now it made more sense…

      I’m not away to abide away
      I’m not away to leave you
      I’m not away to abide away
      Sure, I’ll come back to see you

      Context makes it easier to understand as writing it down removes a lot

    • I thought I was listening to Gaelic the first time heard this. But it’s all English with the heavy Scottish dialect. Cool ass drinking song.

    • Yes it is… I went first footin once with a group of dedicated revellers… every person, bar none, should experience this true celebration. One cannot have it without community nor can one have community without this spirit… a house party spread all over the neighborhood

    • Awesome. The first time I heard the song “Molly Malone”, my favoritest song ever, I was in a pub in Ireland. The whole fucking bar was singing it at the top of their lungs. That was just awesome as fuck!

    • I have been to the singing pubs competition in Wexford twice… you can’t beat it.

    • That had to be fun.

    • Wexford is the ‘home’ of the original IRA, the group that actually made sense, so they say. Wexford is not a big town so to get 15 pubs with musical groups to compete takes a lot of community… another experience that will live in my head forever

    • You’ve had a fun life. “The IRA that made sense.” Must be the ones that didn’t fuck up almost every time they tried to blow someone up. Half the time the fuckin’ bombs these dudes had went off early and killed them. Bin Laden would not be proud.

    • Oh, I certainly do not blame them at all. Anger tends to come from people who are being fucked over by Governments, and the Brits fucked the Irish hard. I’d blow up shit too. I was being critical of their incompetence to hit the right fucking targets is all. Ever seen the movie “Hunger”. It’s about Bobby Sands and stars Michael Fassbender. It was directed by Steve McQueen who did 12 years a slave. Amazing film, but damn hard to watch.

    • I completely agree

    • About the IRA or me bugging you about Scottish dialects?

    • ‘boot the wee ire on t’other isle

    • Thought so. I’d live in Ireland in a second if I could find work there.

    • I’m changing some of Robert’s dialect because I like the way it sounds. Won’t change all of it, cause that’d give him credibility. Wouldn’t want that.

    • hahahhahahahaha

    • Thanks for the lingo. Next time I write the dialect, I’ll ask you if I got it right, and wrong, on purpose.

    • LOL, I’m nae lingoist

    • You know more than I do, and besides, looking shit up takes time. I know you, so I’ll bug you first. 😀

    • Outdoor sex at Loch Ness. I’m jealous. That beats the Plains of Abraham. I need to step up my game.

    • I once had indoor sex in a basement where there were lots of spiders. But I doubt that counts as exotic.

    • The spiders may feel differently. They’re probably still talking about that time that those big hairless apes gave them a show as good as any National Geographic program.

    • Good point.

    • ROFLMAO hooray for hormones!!

    • Yes. Though they’ve gotten into some VERY uncomfortable situations too.

    • good / bad… meh
      30 years later it’s all a laugh… right?

    • It was a laugh then, too. Something about me just finds a way to think EVERYTHING is funny.

  3. I think you are a committee in your head

  4. Robert is worth every dollar you are paying him.

  5. All right, do you have an English translation of the review?

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