Hi, y’all. Lazarus here. You know, the guy Jesus brought back from the dead and then quickly abandoned, that Lazarus. I’m here cause I want to tell my story, a story I’ve been waiting to tell for over 2000 years. It hasn’t been easy people. Really, it hasn’t. One minute there I was, deader than shit, then, BAM! I wake up smelling like the bowels of Hell itself from decay, and Jesus is standing there smiling with a big-ass crowd behind him. “Jesus,” I said, “is that you?” And he answers, “Of course, chowder head. Who else could’ve brought you back to life? Aren’t you happy I did this for you?” “Hell, no!” I answered. “I smell like rot! I’ve been dead for days, you idiot! What the Hell were you thinking? I was in Heaven. Happy. Having a beer with some babe I just KNOW was really into me. And you drag my ass back down here. For what? To show off to the crowd that you’re god? You may be a god, Jesus, but you are a childish, brat of a god if you ask me. This SUCKS! Put me the way I was you ninny, or I’m telling your Pop you need a spanking when I go back to Heaven!” Well, needless to say, that wasn’t exactly the brightest thing to say at the moment, cause Jesus did not return me to Heaven, he just flipped me off and left with his big-ass audience right behind him. I haven’t heard from him since.
Jesus! Don’t Just Leave Me Here Like This, Shouts Lazarus
So, there I was, reanimated, smelling of decay, and wrapped in bandages, all alone in front of my own grave. I knew that no one in their right mind would believe me if I said I’d just been brought back from the dead by Jesus, so I pretended to be a leper and hobbled on over to the nearest leper colony called, “Grounded Parts, Etc”, and lived there, as a tailor specializing in stitching fallen body parts back on to folks seamlessly, for about two centuries. I had already been dead, so I didn’t have to fear becoming infected with leprosy or dying. In time, the stench of the grave left me, and my looks returned to normal. I greatly desired to tell my story, especially as I saw a whole religion starting to develop around Jesus, who people were saying was this all-loving awesome dude. Fuck that. I knew for a fact he wasn’t that awesome at all of a dude. He fucked me, his pal, big time. I wouldn’t trust that bastard under any circumstance, let alone with the salvation of my soul. He didn’t save mine, he fucked it over and left me here on Earth with no way back to Heaven. But I was still in a powerless position, because I knew no one would believe my story. I left the leper colony, and moved to Rome with the money I’d saved up over the centuries. I bought some land and a few slaves (Yes, slaves. It was legal then, and I was nice to them. Nicer than Jesus was to me). Even after Rome fell, I was able to keep my land and I grew very, very rich over the years.
I Wonder Where Jesus Is Off To?
I’ve lived through the rise and fall of Empires. I’ve seen man go from riding horses to flying in airplanes, and I’ve witnessed the rise and now decline of religions built on the falsehood that Jesus was a savior of some sort, that he was tortured and killed for our sins, and that he resurrected himself from the dead after lying in a grave for three days. This is all a lie. I know. I was there. Left, by Jesus, to bear witness to it all. Jesus got fed up with people here on Earth after Judas attempted to betray him. He saw that Judas was crucified for what he did, and then returned to Heaven without ever saying goodbye to anyone, even his apostles. It was Paul, St. Paul to many, who created Christianity, not Jesus. He was the L. Ron Hubbard of his day and created a religion just because he knew he could do it. Only now do I feel there may be some people who’ll believe my story and see the folly of believing in wild extraordinary stories about saviors and all-loving beings without evidence. If something sounds wildly fantastic and impossible, it more than likely is. I don’t get why this is so hard a concept to grasp. But, I’ve said my piece, and I’m off now to tend to my property in Europe. I’m not going to leave this planet anytime soon. Jesus made sure of that. Remember that, and me, Lazarus, the next time you think fondly of Jesus. That stinking rat bastard.
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
You’ve got a blockbuster here.
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I do wonder what happened to this dude, Biblically speaking. Religious folk just avoid the question. Oh well. Thank goodness I’m around, eh?
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I know this is off topic, but I just came across this post and thought you might find it funny:
http://jesuswasaprimate.wordpress.com/2014/01/24/religion-is-like-a-penis/
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Hilarious. I’m following her blog now. I like how she thinks.
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I have at times asked why did Jesus bring back Lazarus to life? Is it so that he could die a second time or to show off? I don’t get it.
I like this post at least you have given the poor fellow a voice.
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Me too. I mean, what happened to the dude? It ain’t like returning from the dead is or was ever common place. Friggin’ Jesus. Just abandons the poor bastard.
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Besides, if the bible is to believed, guys were coming back to life even in the OT. There was nothing special in Zombie Jesus doing it, he wasn’t the first to do it.
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He wasn’t the first, but he was the last. Odd. No one’s been able to raise the dead in 2000 plus years. Amazing the shit they could do back then. Simply amazing.
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If you take the zombie apocalypse in Mathew, then Lazarus is the last one with a name but there were many after that.
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You’re not referring to The Walking Dead TV show are you? That’s fiction, unlike the Bible. I actually wasn’t aware of others returning from the dead in the Bible. Where in it does that take place? I mean besides the places I know about. Not questioning you at all. I just didn’t know and would like to check it out so I can make fun of it. 😀
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Matthew 27:52-53
There you go.
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Thanks. I’ll read that and rip it a new butt hole if need be.
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http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=?Matthew+27:52-53 So let me get this right. According to this passage, OTHER dudes rose from their graves when Jesus rose. Right? Where the fuck are they? And why the fuck is this the first time I’m coming across this? I was raised Catholic! They NEVER mentioned this. Christ I hate religion. Cherry picking mother fuckers. Then they say I’m the idiot for not believing THEM! Shit. This is gonna require a post of some sort. How is this explained by Christian Apologists?
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Well, the christian apologists call it an embarrassing fact.
I don’t know fuck where this dudes are and what they are doing.
Why you don’t know it, is because priests try to avoid such stuff most of the time.
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They sure try to avoid this. It screams out “BULLSHIT!” religion to me. What a bloody joke. Absolutely ridiculous.
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I can’t wait for your rendition of that, I know it will be quite amazing
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I can’t tell u how pissed I am about this. They never mention it because it sheds light on just how fucking idiotic this whole resurrection nonsense is. They have no answer for it. I do though.
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That’s a great post you wrote.
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Why thank you. And thx for pointing out that verse to me. All these years immersed in Catholicism and never have I seen it or heard about it. What a crock of crap, eh.
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There are many things one meets only when you are looking from the outside. The church has a set of readings all year round and none of them are embarrassing facts. You know like there is no time they read about Lot shagging his daughters and getting them pregnant.
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Indeed. Those reading are VERY hard to sell. Makes the religion look, well, 2000 years old, like it is.
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Thx my friend. Hard to keep up with all the damn zombies in the New Testament. It’s like a bloody horror movie.
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What we would want the apologists to tell us what was the point in raising all the zombies.
1. If they were to die shortly, was it right?
2. What happens if the zombies found their families had moved or remarried- did they start a new life or kill the new partner?
3. Was Jesus and his daddy- that is himself- showing off?
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Exactly. I’ve been poking around and reading responses from some Apologists about this passage, and it is clearly a passage they’ve no answer for and would rather not be in Matthew. It is though, and it’s a thorn in the side of Christian B.S.
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They must acknowledge that it is an embarrassing passage that defies explanation. Mathew or whoever wrote it, set them up for ridicule and the redactors since then have ignored this passage.
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They sure have. They avoid it like a plague of zombies.
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Getting your point across via surreal satire at its very best. Brilliant post.
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Thank you. I’m glad the satire is noted and appreciated.
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Dude, you really need to make a one man show and go on the road….
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I’ve often thought about it. I’ve got lots of material now.
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Just you ranting your articles out loud on a stage would make great stand-up!
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The Scottish one in particular I have ranted out loud many times at bars and with friends. I do a kick-ass accent, and people piss their pants laughing. I’m going to do more with that character. I think him telling bedtime stories to wee little children would be funny.
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Good plan…he’sdefinitely a character worth exploring, it be online or live…if you’re blessed with the power of doing accents, god wants you to pursue that!
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Oh, I’m terrific at it. All this shit is stuff I see as being played or performed. That’s what I do best. I’m ecstatic that I can translate it using just written words as I see it in my head.
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