Ken Ham has a new friend. His name is, Jes’oo’z Da Kin’ga, and he is a Reptilian space alien from the planet Ful’O’Sh’at, located about 6000 light years away.
He has been working as Ken’s personal body-guard and manicurist since arriving on Earth in answer to Ken’s prayers for a Reptilian space alien bodyguard to keep him safe from a-theist cannibals and PZ Myers who, he’s convinced, is trying to drive him insane. “Oh, there’s no doubt about it,” said Mr. Ham. “PZ often stands in front of my house for hours at a time, smoking Lucky Strike cigarettes and masturbating to gay porn magazines. Even more disturbing, however, is that PZ has somehow discovered a way to will himself into the form of a small monkey-like creature which never fails to find a way into my house and my underwear drawer. I always know the nights he’s been here because my underwear are always tossed out onto the floor and a pair or two always seem to be missing.
I’m so grateful to have had my prayers answered with the arrival of J’es’oo’z Da Kin’ga here. The minute PZ Myers sees him coming, away goes the gay porn and cigarettes, and he’s off and away in no time at all. Reptilian Aliens also have a great sense of smell when it comes to primates, so PZ’s monkey-creature is hunted down and chased out before a single pair of underwear ever goes missing. The one issue I do have with my Reptilian buddy here is his craving to eat small dogs. 20 of them have gone missing since he got here. I’m trying to find a way to get J’es’oo’z to develop a taste for cannibal a-theists, blacks, Jews, and single mothers as a substitute for my neighbors’ dogs. In time, I’m confident he will, and all will be fine.”