As a sadistically cruel, morally perverse, a-theistic cannibal, I’m always on the lookout for fresh Christian meat to serve at my dinner table.
Intellectual giant, Christian, and all around stand up guy, Bryan Fischer has caught my eye in this regard recently. At first glance, I thought him to be the very essence of a gay, upper middle class, older, white man with sexy silver hair and a girlishly handsome, come-hither big fella, grin. I almost thought of becoming gay and asking him to marry me so we could adopt little Eastern European babies whom we could love and cherish as our own, so enamored was I by his flamboyantly prissy appearance. How saddened I was to learn, however, that like so many other girlishly attractive, silver-haired, upper middle class, Christian Conservative white guys, Mr. Fischer is, in reality, a homophobic grouchy old fart and not to be confused with anyone or anything baring the label, “Intelligent.”
But I wish to be civil here, and state my case in a friendly manner as to why I will one day eat Mr. Fischer for dinner. You see, dear reader, I am what I am because I’ve taken to heart the things Christians have said about me over the years. I did not know, for example, that I had no morals or control over my darkest impulses when I first realized I was a non-theist until Christians told me this. To me, all non-theist meant was, “I don’t see evidence for gods of any kind existing.” It was Christians, out of their love for me, who explained to me that to not believe in their specific god was akin to being a cannibal without any sense of remorse for those I chose as my meals. And so, to make things easier for all involved, I’ve adopted the Christian definition of an a-theist as the core center of who I am as a being. I’m a cannibalistic, sadistic, hate-filled, Jesus despising bastard who lacks all sense of right and wrong and acts on every sick urge his mind conceives of every chance he gets.
I mean no ill will in being who I am, nor do I hate anyone or anything. I simply am what I am because I do not believe in the Christian god. And so, since cannibals eat people by definition, and I am a cannibal, I will one day eat Bryan Fischer for dinner. Not because I hate him; not because I want to pick on him, but because he looks tasty and nourishing, and by Odin, what could possibly be considered rude or unfriendly about that? A Conservative, gay hating, Christian, like Mr. Fischer, can’t help but be who he is. It is in his nature to spew hatred. As it is in my nature, so clearly defined for me by Christians, to be the moral-less cannibal I am. Now, all I have to do is decide what holiday I’m going to have Bryan Fischer stew on, and all that’ll be left is to catch, cook, and eat Mr. Fischer. Yummy, yum, yum, yum!