Bryan Fischer: I’ll Bet He’s Really Tasty!

As a sadistically cruel, morally perverse, a-theistic cannibal, I’m always on the lookout for fresh Christian meat to serve at my dinner table.

 Bryan Fischer: Does He Taste As Good As He Looks?

Bryan Fischer: Does He Taste As Good As He Looks?

Intellectual giant, Christian, and all around stand up guy, Bryan Fischer has caught my eye in this regard recently. At first glance, I thought him to be the very essence of a gay, upper middle class, older, white man with sexy silver hair and a girlishly handsome, come-hither big fella, grin. I almost thought of becoming gay and asking him to marry me so we could adopt little Eastern European babies whom we could love and cherish as our own, so enamored was I by his flamboyantly prissy appearance.  How saddened I was to learn, however, that like so many other girlishly attractive, silver-haired, upper middle class, Christian Conservative white guys, Mr. Fischer is, in reality, a homophobic grouchy old fart and not to be confused with anyone or anything baring the label, “Intelligent.”

But I wish to be civil here, and state my case in a friendly manner as to why I will one day eat Mr. Fischer for dinner. You see, dear reader, I am what I am because I’ve taken to heart the things Christians have said about me over the years. I did not know, for example, that I had no morals or control over my darkest impulses when I first realized I was a non-theist until Christians told me this. To me, all non-theist meant was, “I don’t see evidence for gods of any kind existing.” It was Christians, out of their love for me, who explained to me that to not believe in their specific god was akin to being a cannibal without any sense of remorse for those I chose as my meals.  And so, to make things easier for all involved, I’ve adopted the Christian definition of an a-theist as the core center of who I am as a being. I’m a cannibalistic, sadistic, hate-filled, Jesus despising bastard who lacks all sense of right and wrong and acts on every sick urge his mind conceives of every chance he gets.

I mean no ill will in being who I am, nor do I hate anyone or anything. I simply am what I am because I do not believe in the Christian god. And so, since cannibals eat people by definition, and I am a cannibal, I will one day eat Bryan Fischer for dinner. Not because I hate him; not because I want to pick on him, but because he looks tasty and nourishing, and by Odin, what could possibly be considered rude or unfriendly about that? A Conservative, gay hating, Christian, like Mr. Fischer, can’t help but be who he is. It is in his nature to spew hatred. As it is in my nature, so clearly defined for me by Christians, to be the moral-less cannibal I am. Now, all I have to do is decide what holiday I’m going to have Bryan Fischer stew on, and all that’ll be left is to catch, cook, and eat Mr. Fischer. Yummy, yum, yum, yum!

Bryan Fischer Stew

Bryan Fischer Stew

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17 thoughts on “Bryan Fischer: I’ll Bet He’s Really Tasty!

  1. I have to introduce you to Diana. You may have seen her odd comment on my blog. She, my dear culinary friend, believes with all her might that before Christianity came along the entire world was populated with, wait for it, wait for it…. cannibals! Nothing but cannibals (literal cannibals, i must emphasise) as far as the eye could see. To her very core she believes Christianity showed these “cannibals” the light of civilisation.

    • Oh my fucking GOD!!!! I HAVE to be introduced to her! She’ll fucking LOVE me! I am truly stunned that, not only would a person actually believe such bullshit, but they’d actually espouse it to others as a “religious” fact of Christianity and expect not to be laughed at for it. I’d LOVE to cook and eat her!

    • She home-schools her children…

    • Oh my dear, lord! I’ve not meet her, and I want to throw things at her. Those poor kids. Home schooled to believe shit like what she’ll teach them. Isn’t that a form of child abuse?

    • I tell her that, but she doesn’t listen. remember, we are cannibals 🙂

    • Indeed. I’m certain the satire of the posts I write about my cannibalism would be way over her head. Truly, I’m stunned.

    • I wanted to mention, my friend, how much I truly appreciate your blog and the excellence of your writing. I learn from you and admire the research and effort you put into making your arguments logical, solid, and evidence supported. I also admire your patience with the few “faithful” who attack your arguments, and you sometimes, with their claims to know their god exists with an omnipotent certainty because they have Faith their god exists and those not seeing the truth of this are idiots. Mak does a nice job on his blog with handling the faithful calmly as well. I find such righteous asses to be so ludicrous and ridiculous that I can only deal with them in one of two ways: Satirize them, or hit them. Since hitting people tends to have many legal consequences connected with it, I satirize them. And I mock them. So, a blog like yours, and Maks’ as well, are greatly appreciated by me. You hit with logic, reason, and facts, and I hit ’em with satire. And, like I said, I learn so much from your efforts, as well. Thanks.

    • Cheers, Inspired! Tildeb though is the master of the Jedi calm. I think he’s HAL 9000 and made it off Discovery 1 just to frustrate theists.

    • Indeed. I just don’t know how you folks do it. Very glad you do, as it is needed, but when I hear the theist b.s., I can’t respond in any manner resembling polite.

  2. The Christians told you that you were supposed to eat the whole thing? Wow. They tell me that I should be satisfied just sucking on that dangly bit between their legs. Not fair. I’m going to bring up this obvious sexism at our next cannibal conference.

  3. Thankfully I have no idea who this Mr Fischer is yet his clones are everywhere – shame I don’t eat anything with a face though. Were it the case I did then I’m thinking an 8 hour slow cook in a Tandoori clay oven would be spot on? Fine writing Sir.

    • Just heard about him yesterday. Generic hate-mongering Christian Conservative who thinks evolution is bunk and gays are evil. Kinda prick I really want to boil slowly alive in oil, then eat. Thanks for the kudos, Sir. They’re greatly appreciated, even for a heathen evil cannibal like me.

  4. With French Fries you could make yourself some good old fashioned Fisher and Chips…go easy on the vinegar though…I gotta feeling Bryan’ll taste sour enough by himself. Having lived a life of hatred surely must do a bad job on the taste of one’s meat…

    • It does. He’ll need lots of pre-cooking tenderizing in order to get the full fleshy flavor out of him. But I’ll get it out. I’m good at tenderizing the meat of grouchy ass Christian hate-mongers. Yum.

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