The First Supper Of Christ: Apostles Assembled
Scene 3
Galilee. Outside of a club called, “The Best Little Singing Stripper Bar In Galilee.” It is about 10:00 PM. Jesus, Peter, and Judas are preparing to burst inside to retrieve Mary Magdalene and free her from her life of singing whoredom. Unbeknownst to them, however, is that her pimp is none other than Herod, himself, King of Judea. It is, as before, a very long time ago.
Jesus: All right gentlemen. This is the type of thing we’ve been training for. When I kick the door in, I’m going to grab the first bouncer I see and break his nose. You two do the same. I need you both to kick as much ass as possible and keep whoever is in there focused on you. I don’t want them knowing why we’re there. And I might need a few minutes to find Mary. Ready?
Peter and Judas: Hell, yes, we’re ready!
Jesus kicks open the door to the bar and grabs a bouncer standing near it by the hair. He lifts his right knee toward the man’s face as he pushes his head down into it. There is a loud snap, and blood sprays from the man’s face. As the camera swings up, we see a stage with Mary Magdalene singing on it and taking off her clothes. Just as she is about to remove her skirt, she notices Jesus and stops.
Miley Cyrus Singing As Mary Magdalene
Peter and Judas then move in from behind Jesus and swipe out the legs of two bouncers who are running toward them from behind the bar. Peter breaks the arm of one of the men, while Judas cracks the femur of the other with a heavy chair causing a compound fracture. Blood is everywhere and the injured men are all screaming in pain. Jesus leaps onto the stage and breaks the neck of a bouncer who is trying to pull Mary off the stage with him. The man drops dead onto the stage with a thump. Jesus grabs Mary’s hand, leading her off the stage and toward the door.
Thomas Hardy’s Jesus Is Not A Pussy
Peter and Judas have since retrieved a sawed off shot-gun from the hands of a bartender who clumsily pointed it at them and wound up with a dagger piercing his heart for doing so. Peter holds the shot-gun up and fires once into the air to startle anyone else looking to stop them. Jesus and Mary reach the door and run out followed closely by Peter and Judas. Just as the door slams behind them, King Herod, in a gold bath robe, comes out of a room on the second floor of the bar and leans against the second floor railing. Four semi-clad women come out of the same room Herod did and slither up next to him. He looks down over the bloody carnage left by Jesus and his men, and says: “I WAS having a good time until SOMEBODY busted into MY place and stole MY whore. I’m going to track this son of a bitch down and crucify him. And while his ass is hanging on the cross, I’m gonna cut off his balls and feed them to him, one at a time. NO ONE fucks with Herod The Great! NO ONE!”
No One Fucks With King Herod! No One!
The scene ends with a quick flash of red that fills the entire frame. We then cut quickly to our heroes on horseback riding fervently away into the night. Jesus and Mary are astride a white stallion, and Peter and Judas are each riding a black stallion. As they come to a cave opening just inside a mountain path, the horses come to a halt as their riders slowly get down from them, one at a time.
End of scene 3.
Scene 4 to follow soon. So please check back.
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
“Who let these mr-fing heroes in my m****r-f****ing club?!!!”
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I concur with MAL… Casting Herod was a stroke of genius.
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Say what again! Say what again! I LOVE Sam Jackson!
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Indeed, and the Soul Glo hair adds that something extra-special!
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Perhaps I’ll give a Herod a side purse that says, “Bad Mother Fucker” on it.
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Haha! I have nothing else to say. You are doing very well with this script
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Why thank you kind Sir. Just left a few wise ass comments on your blog in response to a wise comment some he or she left me. I like being funny. You know? Have Faith in my ability to one-up someone and make you giggle, and I will. And this script is a lot of fun. I tend to rush these things as I’m a whore for laughs, but I’m taking my time with this one. Maybe Tarantino and I can co-direct it?
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I think the idea is good, to give us in small doses. It’s a he and a very good fellow. Likes to be funny. He mostly means no offense and most probably know you are satirist.
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Oh, I know that. It’ just that I’ve done improv comedy for like 30 years, and when someone wants to play, I LOVE to play. It’s like tossing a ball back and forth. I don’t in the least mean anything derogatory by it. Fun is all. I didn’t think anything else. I’m such a smart ass, though, I sometimes want to be sure people know I’m just fucking around. Now where’s that anvil?
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Actually, I thought that PZ Myers dude was just playing along with me. Took me awhile to realize he was serious. Ugh.
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Dude, I was not sure about the casting for herrod, I’m stunned…. simply stunned. Your genius cannot be ignore much longer
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Thx, pal. I really appreciate that. You gotta stop thinking of the Bible story, though. This is MY story based on those characters. To me, it’s all fiction. This is no different than having Thor in the Avengers. The Vikings didn’t have that in mind, I’m sure. But fuck if it doesn’t work. I’ve got it laid out. Just want to do bits at a time to not over load anyone on one sitting. Imagine if I were actually making this movie with this subject? I’d be assassinated for sure. But god damn if it isn’t fun.
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I’m pretty sure Sam would do the part… hahahahah
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Oh, Hell yes! This would ROCK! And Christian groups would flip. I’d LOVE to do it. Tarantino would like it, I bet. I fucking love that guy.
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No doubt…. I’d like to see this as a movie … sigh
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Me too. I’d have to find someone to produce it. Yep. That wouldn’t be TOO hard now, eh?
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and it’s a shame…
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It is. And you know what? If Jesus really were real, I truly fucking think HE’D like it, too!
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It’s an update… he wasn’t afraid of prostitutes
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No. I think he liked them. What I always find funny about idiots who take the Bible literally, is that they never choose the GOOD stuff to take literally. “Love the least amongst you as you would me”, you know, THAT kinda shit. If I REALLY thought my god had created this whole universe and he gave me those specific instructions, I’d follow them. But no. Easier to cherry pick shit about hate. I fucking truly hate religion.
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I’m with you on that. I read the religion tag and those are some truly unbalanced people trying to make sense of the world with the premise that their holy text is all truthful.. If only they could read it with an open mind
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Or with one less filled with hate.
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