The next few posts will include excerpts from a film script I’m currently working on with Pope Francis and Quintin Tarantino. The film is going to be called, “The First Supper of Christ: Apostles Assembled.” We’re hoping the Pope can convince God to allow Ingmar Bergman to return to life to direct it. But if that doesn’t happen for some reason, Terrence Malick said he’d direct it in a heart beat, and Joss Whedon’s been chomping at the bit to work with me ever since I tweaked his “Avengers” script as favor to him two years ago.
Here’s a list of some the actors who’ve already been cast in the film and the parts they’ll be playing.
Thomas Hardy As Jesus
He played Bane in “Dark Knight Returns.” He’s a gifted actor who also has the raw, muscular physique this film’s Jesus requires.
Miley Cyrus As Mary Magdalene
Miley possesses the unique combination of singer/performer/bar whore qualities needed for this role. Plus I have a kinky, inappropriate sexual obsession with her and I’m indulging it here because I want to.
Chris Hemsworth As Peter,aka, The Rock
Chris is an excellent actor who also possesses an athletic, action hero physique which this film’s Peter needs to have. He also plays Thor and I love Thor.
Brad Pitt As Judas Iscariot
Brad’s acting talent is superb and I feel he will be able to capture Judas’s inner battle with the dark side of the Force very well. He also has the muscular physique required for the role, and he, along with Chris Hemsworth, complete my list of ‘If you HAD to have sex with a guy just once, who’d be on your list to have it with list.’ I can see the headline now: ‘Brad Pitt gives gay sex a first time whirl with a straight, fat, middle age white dude no one has ever heard of .’
Patrick Stewart As The Voice Of God
No explanation needed here. I have a Faith driven theory that Stewart actually IS God and is just waiting for the right time to reveal himself as such. That’s it on cast and characters for today. Now for a look at the script Francis, Quintin, and I have been fervently writing since we were in the 4th grade together at The Einstein School For Young Geniuses in Anchorage, Alaska many moons ago.
The First Supper of Christ: Apostles Assembled
Scene One: The Call
Rome, Italy. Christ’s apartment. 2AM. It is a very long time ago.
The film opens with the camera held on a dark, starry sky. It pans down into an open window and we see a clean-shaven, bald and very muscular, Jesus, sitting in bed, about to speak into the telephone, the ringing of which just woke him from a deep sleep.
Jesus: Who the hell is this? It’s 2 in the friggin’… Oh, Dad. Sorry. What’s up? Yes. Of course I remember. I do NOTHING but remember. EVERY bloody time I wake up and realize I’m down here and not up there, I remember. Haggling with morons every day over the prices of the furniture I make is just so beneath me. I’m a PROFESSIONAL for….OK. Yes. ..OK. I’m listening. …Yes. …NO!….Look, Dad, that is simply NOT going to happen. I’ll straighten these people up for you, or at least I’ll try to, but if you think I’m letting these sadistic bastards hang my divine, immortal ass on cross so I can “sacrifice myself” for some stupid sin YOU are still holding a childish grudge over, you can go fuck yourself. ……No. NO! I will NOT apologize for swearing at you! Have you ever seen a crucifixion? Fuck that, man. Let them do that to you if you want to sacrifice someone. Immortal or not, Dad, I’m not a fucking masochist. … I said, NO! You’re a sick bastard, Dad….I’m hanging up…Good bye …. What? …Sure…. Who? No…. The Holy who… Ghost? ..Oh, that nut–case who used to tell me that you and me and he were all one dude…THAT guy?! …I most certainly will NOT go around preaching with him. …. Absolutely NOT! …He’s insane, that’s why! Look….Calm down….Hey! Stop yelling… Are you crying?…Dad? …Yes, I know you’re trying…DAD! Stop crying so you can listen a minute. … OK. Now take a depth breath and listen. I’ve got an idea how I can get these idiots down here to repent for whatever it is you think they did to you, if I must, but I’m telling you, Pop, you really need to learn to let go of shit. This kinda crap isn’t healthy, man. Any way, here’s my idea….
Come back tomorrow for more. If you dare!
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
That’s a serious phone call
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Listen, pal. That phone call leads to the salvation of your tainted soul.
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My soul was checked by the doctor and he said it is missing am not going to need salvation
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Lucky you. I keep mine locked a broom closet but I still have to feed it and stuff. God damn thing is costing me a mint!
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Funny, I also have a kinky inappropriate obsession with Miley Cyrus. I keep thinking, baby, the things you could do with that tongue would put most men to shame. Wouldn’t it be great if on the facing page to the article about you and Brad Pitt it said “Miley Cyrus goes girl on girl with a dumpy middle-aged chick no one’s ever heard of.” We could start a trend of celebrities going after dumpy middle-aged people.
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GREAT IDEA!!!! And kinky, too! I like how you think!!!
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Patrick Stewart is god? That makes total sense…thanks, you’ve made a believer out of me! Praise Picard!
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Oh, I meant to ask you, what science fiction shows/movies do you like? BSG rocked. The second version, I mean.
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I personally feel BSG is the best series I’ve ever seen…I’m not really into Sci-Fi normally, but I started watching BSG around the time my mother was in and out of the hospital due to her illness…and the way Mary McDonnell portrayed a cancer patient struck a major chord with me…and the space battles were awesome!
Right now I’m kinda into ‘The Walking Dead’, though I’ve hardly seen anything of its latest season yet. I’ve been so busy writing I hardly have the time to watch movies or anything anymore. I guess 1999’s ‘Magnolia’ is my favorite of all time, or maybe 1997’s ‘Batman & Robin’, cause that was pretty awesome too;)
I hear Breaking Bad is awesome, so I’m thinking of checking that out. I tried watching Game of Thrones, but it wasn’t for me; thought it was well made nerd porn, but couldn’t really care for the characters…
How about you?
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Breaking Bad is hands down THE best writing ever done for a TV show, imo. Absolutely outstanding. You HAVE to watch it from season one on to the end to realize just how good it is. Great stuff. Walking Dead is good. I’m a huge horror film fan and love George Romero. Right now I’m watching Star Trek The Next generation seasons on bluray. Beautiful. I love movies. I own perhaps 1500 to 2000 blurays. I own nothing else almost, but I don’t care.
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Could you also do a side note as to how Hardy’s getting into character? As director I assume you’ll be putting him on a strict diet of dust and sending him to ropey hairdressers? The Man Behind the Cross… I think you could potentially get a documentary out of it too?
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I think I’m going to keep him bald and have him eat nothing but fish and iceberg lettuce. I want BEEF! This Jesus isn’t a pussy! He’s gonna kick ass for God and take names later! The behind the scenes documentary is already under way. Also, it will include a section on Miley Cyrus called, “The babe behind the tongue.” Hours of family entertainment.
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Bravo!
Although I can’t see that one being very long… (The docu, not the tongue)
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Well, then I may just have to cover, how can I say this tactfully? I can’t. So fuck it, MORE of Miley’s body parts in the documentary!
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I, for one, am excited.
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Me too. 😀
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“…the raw, muscular physique this film’s Jesus requires.” Well this is going to be interesting! Can’t wait for part 2.
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So YHWH is a Jewish man? Who knew.
Does this film include Jesus’ Bat Mitzvah?
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Naw. Jesus is like, 27 when it’s starting out. Gonna be more like Reservoir Dogs meets The Avengers than anything else. Of course YHWH is a Jew. So’s Jesus. The character is in Rome cause my Jesus lives there and sells furniture there. And he goes to Jerusalem later, in part 2. Tomorrow. This is MY history. MY Bible. And it is the real one. I’ll be fucked if I’m retelling that withered ancient boring shit from the Bible as is. BORING!!!!!
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LOL, fair dues…
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