“My beard is a gay-hating parasitic alien from a distant planet”, Phil Robertson said today. “And it was the beard, not me who went on the anti-gay tirade you all heard. I should be pitied and comforted, not hated. I’ve had to live with this hairy creature hanging from the bottom of my face and feeding off of me for decades now.
And as bad as that is, the damn thing snores at night. Try sleeping with that, America. The beard hates gays, not me. I love gays. I’m gay myself, but can’t act on it for fear my beard will mock me all day. As it is now, the fucking thing incessantly says the rosary and talks out loud to Jesus, consistently praying he come down from Heaven and kill all the gays, Jews, Blacks, atheists, and Liberal Democrats on the planet. I’ve tried to tell him to be more tolerant of people who are different, because he himself is just a beard, and surely would suffer prejudice if people knew about him. But it just goes in one hair and out the other. Unfortunately, I can’t remove the beard without killing myself because it has latched the roots of each hair into my brain. We sort of need each other now to live. I hope Disney will let me have my job back, and I promise I will do my best to keep my bigoted beard from speaking out in the future. Thank you, and God bless you, America.”