This Christmas I’m Having Ham For Dinner, Ken Ham

Now for a quote from Ken Ham from his recent a-theist-bashing appearance on Fox News: “Our message to the atheists is, hey, we’re not attacking you personally but we want you to know the truth, that there is a God who created you and you are sinners as all of us are, but that God sent his son to become a babe in a manger…” .  Nice to know that God sent his son, who’s actually not his son but God himself, to “become a babe in a manger” to save us heathen sinners.  I’d rather a babe be in thigh-high leather boots and a fish net body suit if truly coming to save me from my hideous self, but I guess sinners can’t be choosers, eh? The concept of a tiny infant being born so that it can be horrifically tortured and die nailed to a cross when it grows up so my sins can be forgiven, sickens me to my very core.  Such thinking is sadistic, narcissistic, cruel, and exhibits a psychopathology so depraved the “DSM” hasn’t yet a label accurate enough to describe it. If THAT is what “faith” tells people they must believe is true in order to be considered “good” then I’m ecstatically happy I’m the moral-lacking a-theist monster I am.

Ken Ham Before

Ken Ham Before

Ken Ham After

Ken Ham After

Since I’m a monster, I’ve decided that for my Christmas dinner I will capture and cook alive, slowly, Ken Ham himself. I’ve a lovely place in a secluded wood all picked out with a human size iron pot of oil just waiting for me to plop Mr. Ham into and bring slowly to a boil. There’s no need for me to gag him either because we’ll be SO secluded, no one will be able to hear even his loudest yelps of pain. Man, this is gonna be a great Christmas. I’m glad Mr. Ham took the time to remind me of how evil and nasty I am just because I don’t believe in his god. He took away any last twinge of morality in me that might’ve said, “It’s wrong to boil people alive in oil and eat them, so don’t.” Oh well, he has no one to blame but himself for becoming my Christmas dinner! Hee Haw! How’s that for imposing my a-theism on you, eh, Mr. Ham?

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36 thoughts on “This Christmas I’m Having Ham For Dinner, Ken Ham

  1. Pingback: Not Schindler’s List (but nominees for the Inventive Blogger Award) :Satire Nation

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    • Thanks for the nod to my culinary preferences. Don’t forget that PZ Myers is on the menu in the future. He’s not a theist, but he is a dogmatic guru with apostles, so I’m sure he’ll be tasty too.

  4. Pingback: Not Schindler’s List (but nominees for the Inventive Blogger Award) | Randomnessessities

  5. Hi again – had thought we were finished but your PS could do with a comment. My mention of picking up the tab was because there is the view out there that evangelicals hate gay people (and would be as fearful of contact with them as the pharisees of old were of tax collectors etc). While some Christians have, regrettably, given substance to that perception, many, if not most, Christians differentiate between the lifestyle choice and the person. Jesus Christ ate in the homes of those who the Jews regarded as sinners – and Christians ought to walk with the same love for people as Christ did. I’m glad to hear you are a struggling artist and not an armchair philosopher. I identify much more easily with those who have struggled in life (financially) and perhaps have even walked down some tunnels of depression. Right – enough said, other than that my invitation that if you visit Yorkshire we could get together still stands. You could stay over if you like and I’d hide all the cutlery. Wouldn’t want to be done in in my sleep!

    • Why thank you. AND VERY FUNNY. See, that’s what this is all about!

    • Yes but . . . I can understand that you blog is intended to be a fun one for you and your friends. I do believe, however, that humor can cross a line. For example, I think it would never be funny to make jokes about the holocaust. Also, the old saying of ‘many a true word spoken in jest’ is especially applicable to satire. Most satirical pieces I’ve read are having a dig at someone, political or personal, that the writer strongly differs with. I suspect that was true of your article about eating Ken Ham. Yes, the silliness of it ought to have made everyone realize you were being satirical. But I would think that it also revealed the underlying contempt you, and your friends, have for Ken. Fair enough, you have every right to differ with him. But is it possible that more serious debate would do better? Ken is not alone in believing what he does. There are many scientists who believe that God created all there is and He did it without macro-evolution. Anyway – that’s enough of my thoughts for now. If you want to see more of how I tick I have a blog of my own called Bible Mot which you can find on the .co.uk websites.

    • I actually hadn’t heard of Ken Ham until a few days ago when he was on Fox News explaining how evil I am for not accepting his beliefs. If he hadn’t been on there saying that, I’d still not know who he is or care. He went out of his way to explain what he thought of me, so I responded. I write in response to what’s said of me. I do not care at all what someone believes or feels is right to them, but the minute a person judges me by what they believe is right for them, for example, being told my soul will burn if I don’t accept what they say as truth, I give it right back. If I’m so evil, perhaps I’ll behave as such and eat people, for if I couldn’t control my darkest desires that’s what I’d do. Of course, that’s ludicrous, and that is what ridiculous posts like that point out. No holocaust survivor has ever gone on TV to explain to me how evil I am because I do not share their belief system. As a matter of fact, no one of the Jewish faith has EVER bothered me about not having their faith. I will not debate anymore on this here as this is my blog and my time but I appreciate and respect that you’ve found a path in life for yourself that eases your way through it. Insist that yours is so correct that I too must be on the same one or burn, and you are not respected anymore. No need to follow this up. I’ve your site to check out if I seek conversion. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve some people to eat.

  6. I was surprised that a site like yours which would claim to be all about free speech should have put my last comment in a queue to be moderated!!! I guess speech is only free for those who subscribe to your opinions. By the way, I am one of the people ‘tripled the number of views’ to your blog but I wouldn’t let that puff up my pride if I were you. Your site only strengthens the view of the emptiness of a life without God. Incidentally, do you have any blogs that have ridiculed Islam and Mohammed as you do Christianity and Jesus Christ, or do you leave that to people with more courage than you, like Salmon Rushdie. You could get a job with the BBC in England as they also love to attack Christianity but dare not say boo to the goose of Islam. I wonder if it is because Christian’s try to love even their enemies, and don’t throw bombs and kill those who insult them. Come to think of it, atheistic secular humanist governments also ten to eliminate those who don’t subscribe to their views of being tolerant of all sorts of perversions. It’s a queer old world isn’t it.

    • WOW there big fella. If A post you made got locked out or something, I didn’t do it intentionally. I actually don’t know which post you’re referencing. I apologize for that. Though I welcome your comments, my blog is only about ME. That is clearly stated in the about section and in other places. And before you attack me be sure you know who you’re attacking. I am not what I am. I have been in ministry services with the Catholic Archdiocese of Chicago for decades working with disabled children. I write this blog for my own reasons and it is satire. It is silly. It is of great benefit to those I care for, and it isn’t to be taken seriously. It is not about open discussion. I’m part of the Catholic Church, so that is why I write about Christianity. This is now the end of any opinions but mine. I do mean this, even though it is a gay message and will seem queer and effeminate to you. If you bother me though, I’ll not only block you out, I’ll find you and eat you. Then I’ll eat your pets, your friends, your family, and anyone else who knows you. Yummy. You’ve made me hungry.

    • Thanks for taking the trouble to reply to this one. I accept your apology for the loss of my last one in the cyber post. Thank you also for sharing something of your background. It actually explained a lot of where you are coming from. Yes, I agree, your posts are silly and they are about you – i.e. ego centric. You are honest if not righteous. Obviously your puerile comments are not meant to be taken seriously (just as Christ’s words about eating his flesh are not to be taken literally) but I doubt whether anyone does a blog without wanting his point, whether in satire or in solemnity, to not be taken seriously. In your case, your hatred of anything evangelical is the axe you seek to grind (or to bury in the nearest evangelical’s head). But, as you imply, let’s terminate the conversation as we probably both have better things to do. I hope, however, that one day the shroud that Roman Catholicism has cast over you (so that you can’t even see the darkness tur’ in) will be lifted by the light of the gospel. I’m sure that even though you are not an evangelical, you do see clearly enough to know that ‘good works’ (even ministerial ones) don’t give us a ‘go directly to heaven’ and we can bypass grace.
      Cheers till eternity, Chris.
      PS No use wanting to eat me – I’m over sixty – meat is rather old and tough – would not even make good South African biltong. But if you ever visit Yorkshire we could have a meal together – and, if you are gay – no problem, I’ll still pick up the tab.
      PS No need to post this one – I’m happy to keep it as a personal one between us. Right – now you can block me forever.

    • I posted you’re comment. It was lovely. I’m not gay. I am a cannibal, and have several atheists in my site as we speak. Idiots are idiots no matter what they believe. I’m not blocking you. I don’t have an ax to grind with anyone except dogmatic idiots who shove their crap up my nose. I do not hate Catholics. The church has not cast a dark cloud over me, and you simply must stop assuming you know me through this blog. I’m a writer. I make shit up. I’m also a good actor. I can assure you, my content here is not me. I’d love to visit Yorkshire one day. Love England. Love Shakespeare.

    • BTW, why would you have to pick up the tab if I were gay? If I were, the likelihood would be that I’d have MORE money than the straight struggling artist I am now.

  7. You know, the DSM is quite extensive when it comes to describing psychotic behavior…It’s interesting religion isn’t mentioned anywhere in the DSM. Granted, it’s not psychotic, but you may want to look up Schizotypal Personality Disorder and compare it to a religion of your choosing.
    Enjoy!

    • Indeed. However, since I too believe my own Faith to be utterly infallible and totally correct simply because I “know” I’m right, I, too, fit under that category of labels. This isn’t to mention my boiling and eating of Christians either. Certain the DSM would label that behavior quite poorly.

    • Yeah, I think the DSM doesn’t have a ‘box’ for people like you yet.

    • Awesome. I’ll be the first then! Yipeee!

    • Ken Ham himself trashed this post on his website and posted a link to it too which literally tripled the totally number of views I’ve ever had in just 3 hours. I write stupid shit like this hoping idiots like him will get pissed and do exactly what he did. I really can’t believe he couldn’t tell this was a trap for his dumb ass. Now I see how he can believe the Earth is only 6000 years old.

    • He did that!? Good for you! How ironic would it be if someone like Ken Ham could instigate one of your posts going viral?;)

    • This is pure gold! Congratulations. I mean, there just might be a chance Bill Maher gets to read this!
      Christmas smiles upon you this year!
      I wish this article had a comment section, otherwise I would’ve said something hateful I mean satirical…

      Seriously, does the guy really not get he’s doing you a favor the way a lubricant factory does gays a favor? Does he really not get that? I mean, is he really that stupid, or is he just an atheist in disguise…cause that would make him brilliant.

    • Please check out the comments on this dudes post. I mean REALLY! Fucking ridiculous. This PZ dude is on my list.

    • It’s getting even golder!
      I added my own little comment to the list:

      “Anyone care to read up on a bit of history to learn how much cruelty was inflicted upon people in the name of religion? While the supposed cooking of Mr. Ham is clearly satirical and in good taste (depending on your choice of seasoning), it’s funny because for hundreds of years religious fruitcakes the likes of Ken Ham have tortured people in ways that makes the baking of Ken Ham look pale in comparison.

      Or maybe it’s not funny because it’s 2013 and people the likes of Ken Ham still get validated for imposing their own beliefs onto others?”

      As of yet I’m still stuck at McDonald’s because I have no internet at my place. Will get back to reading your work once that is solved…Forget what Ken Ham tells you about hell: life without wifi, that’s hell!

    • Thanks brother. I’ve written several posts about the knuckleheads on that particular site, very rude and deliberately insulting posts. It’s a weird place where they follow this PZ dude around like he’s a god. Weird. I mean fine, you don’t like my shit, but no one there does? I mean COME ON!! It’s a little bit funny at least. Weird too is that idiot came to me. He posted MY post on his site and gave me like 3000 views because of it. Theists, except for Ham, ignore me. Fuck PZ, whoever he is. As well, the Bible folks who’ve contacted me, only 2, were nice and they’re no hard feelings. I left those comments up. It’s this idiot on some sanctimonious quest to spread “good” atheism who I’m hitting back at. Bitch. he pissed off the wrong singing, white straight boy! Damn it! 😀

    • Also. I keep pointing out to PZ’s people that as the comment section about ME grows on HIS site, the site HE brought ME onto, so do the readers of my blog. I keep thanking him. I like being a dick like that.

    • Ah, so now I know why I like you.
      I like dicks, you see…a lot.
      Sorry for the short reply, but it’s time for me to leave McDonald’s again and head back home and read a book or something…well, maybe I could rewrite the bible so that it actually rhymes (why call it verses if the shit don’t rhyme?)

      Keep up doing god’s work (I mean that)…will get back to it tomorrow I’m afraid…would love to see this one go viral…

    • Thx again. And if you see Ronald McDonald, tell him from me that the shit between us is NOT fucking over!

    • I’m sure he gets the message, as I’m reading your comment using his wifi…I never thought I’d see the day I’d be dependent on a clown…

    • Ah! That’s why you’ve been in McDonald’s so much! Say, where do guys live?

    • Well, currently I live on the island of Curaçao, but I’m Dutch/Canadian in origin (I’m pretty mixed for a white guy;))
      Can I ask what part of the world Bill Maher may find you in?

      Btw, internet just got back online, so no longer do I have to pay a clown to check my mail

    • I’m in Chicago. Been here my whole life. I’m Bohemian, Irish, and White. Sometimes I’m so confused by that, I just cry! Naw!

  8. Really funny. Don’t chock on the food

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