Howdy folks, Satan here, aka, The Devil. I was down here in Hell just burning a few conspiracy whack-jobs cause, you know, I like to fulfill people’s fantasies, when one of them called me a Zionist pig and said my place was a pig sty! Well, that got my dander up, so I ate him alive, slowly and without cooking him first.
Oh my, the howling screams he made as I chewed away at him feet first. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! And Ouch, again! Anti-Semites, all of the conspiracy whack-jobs I eat are anti-Semites. Racist foul-smelling anti-Semites. And they all are down here in this pig sty with me, Satan, a Jew mind you, who just LOVES to make fun of, torture, cook alive, and eat conspiracy whack-jobs. Oh, while I’m thinking of it, I REALLY hate it when the whack-jobs use words like “Zionist.” Makes ’em sound like idiots multiplied by infinity squared when they do. Perhaps because they are idiots, eh? I’m ZION’ up a couple of conspiracy whack-jobs right now, BTW, alive, on my big human-size cookin’ grill. I keep taunting ’em by calling ’em anti-Semites and sissy butt-lickers as the flesh bubbles and pops off their bones. Hilarious, man. Absolutely HILARIOUS! And even more hilarious is listening to ’em scream and beg for mercy while they’re cookin’. They get so loud sometimes, I can barely hear myself think. I’ll tell you though, a conspiracy nut-job, cooked just right, while still alive, tastes like a slice of Heaven right down here in Hell when you’re eatin’ ’em.
Before I forget, I do hope any conspiracy nut-jobs reading this understand that I’m using words like nut-job, whack-job, anti-Semitic idiot, and ignorant douche bag just to be a prick and piss you off. You see, you ignorant conspiracy douche bags are right. There is a conspiracy going on, a big one. It involves me, Satan, and my hideous plan to take over the world just so I can torture, flay and eat douche bag conspiracy theorists. Conspiracy theorists who are too damn ignorant to realize when someone’s fucking with them just because they’re so easy to fuck with.
I’m the Devil, and I’m coming for you, you racist, anti-Semitic whack-jobs. I’m coming for you because your mothers dress you funny, your teeth are yellow and crooked, and your breath reeks like the cows’ asses you suck on every night. But mostly I’m coming for you because you let dogs sodomize you just for kicks, and that’s just nasty, even by my standards.
How’s that for over-the-top, one-dimensional, deliberately insulting, sophomoric rhetoric, eh, fellas? Childish? HELL, Yes! Crude? Most definitely! Solid, state of the art, respectful intellectual arguing? Fuck no. But I’m bettin,’ if you’re a conspiracy whack-job and reading this, you’re smokin’ angry right about now. And to piss you off even more is the fact that any nasty comment you make will be deleted. Sucks. And so does the fact that I’m coming for you, and I’m going to eat you. I’m Satan, and you, you conspiracy nut-bars? Why you all are silly, girlish, ignorant, anti-Semitic imps that, like flies, need shit to feed on or you’ll die. Bye now. Merry Christmas, and remember to stop by and be dinner when you’ve time. All my love, always, Satan.