“I’m not going to play Batman after all,” said a tearful Ben Affleck this morning. ” I couldn’t take all the nasty things fans were saying about me online. I cried for days, my feelings were so hurt. So I went to church last night and asked Jesus for His advice on this matter. Then, in a great flash of light, He very unexpectedly appeared wearing a Batman mask. He said to me, ‘Fuck the fan boys, Ben! You’re an Academy Award winning director and a fine actor. You’ve also had sex with Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Garner. How many pathetic pimple-faced fan boys can ever dream of doing anything like that?’ Jesus than told me to resign the Batman role and that He Himself would play it. ‘I’ll send any fan boy who bitches about this straight to Hell. So tell ’em I’d better not hear or read anything but wonderful things about Me, or else! Oh, and tell Zak Snyder I’ve got a great male bonding scene in mind for Me and Henry Cavill to play. Have you seen that Cavill, Ben? He looks like a fucking Greek god. Smokin’ hot guy!’ Then Jesus vanished as quickly as He appeared. And I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me after He had.” Mr. Affleck then concluded by saying he was off to meet Matt Damon for their morning tea and biscuits and that the matter of him playing Batman was over.