Man Claiming A Divine Being Spoke To Him Threatens To Boil All Who Doubt Him Alive

Clementine Hinkel

Mr. Harry Gopeepee says, “Believe Me, Or Die!”

Discrimination Town, Indiana.  In news today that some may find important, an unemployed San Francisco gold miner, named Harry Gopeepee, stated he had a life-altering religious experience during a vanilla extract drinking binge last night. “I saw a big red circle kind of thingy that floated out of a cloud. It floated up to me and said, ‘Mr. Gopeepee, I am an all-powerful god called, Red Round Thingy, and I command you to tell people I am real and that you saw me. If anyone doubts you, you must torture them by removing their eyelids and ask them not to doubt you. If they insist on doubting you after this, or call you impolite names, boil them alive in oil and feed them to wild pigs.

 Big Red Thingy Nonbeliever Boiling Alive

Red Round Thingy Doubter Boiling In Oil

And, please, don’t worry my son, if you find this difficult to do at first. By the 7th or 8th live boiling you’ll be so used to the screams and the smell of boiling flesh, you’ll hardly notice them anymore.’ After that, Red Round Thingy left saying he’d be back every now and then to check on how well I’m doing with my new mission. Tonight, I’m buying a big-ass pot and lots of cooking oil. I’ve a feeling I’ll be at this for a long time.”

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5 thoughts on “Man Claiming A Divine Being Spoke To Him Threatens To Boil All Who Doubt Him Alive

  1. Makes you wonder how many people through history have been led to do terrible things on behalf of their god or king?

    Funny how none of the gods are really able to speak for themselves…

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  2. This one makes my stomach boil a bit. But that’s part of the point, isn’t it?

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