The Lure, The Hook, Ken Ham, And I Am Not What I Am

“I am not what I am.”  Iago, in Shakespeare’s “Othello”, says this just after telling the audience he is going to destroy Othello’s life simply because he hates him. He is going to do this, he tells us, while outwardly appearing to be honest, loyal, and dutifully dedicated to Othello. He is referred to as “honest Iago” multiple times throughout the play. The cunning deceptions and subtle lures he uses to drive Othello into murderous madness and suicide are cleverly done and it is not at all obvious to anyone in the play what he is up to until it is far too late to do anything about it.  I, too, am not what I am.  I, too, have used lures to get fish to bite the special hooks I’ve left for them with some of the posts I write. However, my lures and hooks are not subtle. Nor are they hidden. As a matter of fact, they are so blatantly obvious there is no way in hell I thought anyone would NOT know what they were. But fish bite them every time I leave them without exception.

Believe me, I try VERY hard to leave lures that scream, “Don’t bite! It’s a trick,” just to see if fish will bite anyway. They always do. Yesterday the biggest fish yet bit. He bit so hard, my blog tripled the total number of people who’ve viewed it in the last 5 months in less than 3 hours. I still am stunned by it. I truly can not believe it. My reasons for writing this blog are very personal. I’ve no intention of ever discussing them here. But I assure you, as far as the writings on this blog go, I am not what I am. I never expected anyone to read this blog. I swear too much and I deliberately exaggerate my anger in many of the posts just because it gives me a woody when I do.  I’m glad for the few really cool people who do read it and get it though. I’ve made a few friends here I wouldn’t have otherwise, really decent people, too. But getting people to read it has never been my reason for writing it.  That said, I would like to thank Ken Ham for taking the bait I recently left out for him and creationists in a post I wrote about him being my Christmas dinner.

Ham Took The Bait, But Robertson's On The Menu Now

Ham Took The Bait, But Is He Still On The Menu?

He personally trashed it on his website ( I wonder why?) while leaving a link to it embedded in the article. Because he did that, countless new readers came by today. Several are now following this blog. I left a hook out there with a worm on it so massive and ridiculously obvious I NEVER in 6000 years thought ANYONE would bite it, least of all Ham himself. Ham is most certainly not who I thought he was. I always believed he was highly intelligent and intuitively bright. And I had respect for his common sense about the world around him. But anyone who takes the bait I leave out in posts from this blog, a blog clearly written by an imbecilic buffoon claiming he deserves a Nobel Prize because he pontificates so well on things he knows nothing about, is a very, very long way away from being bright or intelligent.

When conservative Christians say a-theists are evil and will burn in hell because they do not believe Jesus is god, I’m offended to the marrow of my bones. I feel as though my life and well-being are in imminent danger. To be morally damned and hated merely because I exist is not something I find palatable. Thus, I feel it only fair to share these feelings with those who gave them to me by writing posts deliberately meant to do just that.  A childish revenge game perhaps, but it makes me feel good to play it so I’m not stopping. I always think no one will be dumb enough not to see what it is I’m really doing, but someone ALWAYS takes the bait, and it ALWAYS surprises me when they do. I’m not disappointed they do. Just surprised they can’t see how deliberately the trap was set. I don’t post any of the comments made by these fish either because I don’t care what they think of me, only that I offended them, for at least awhile, in the way they offend me. I like that. I also get a few stunningly idiotic comments from a-theists on these posts telling me “my argument was too crude and doesn’t represent a-theists correctly.” My argument? WHAT argument! You read a post about the cannibalization of Christians on a blog filled with utterly ridiculous nonsense written by a clown who says he deserves a Nobel Prize just because he wants one and you think it was intended as a serious argument?! AND you then feel compelled to comment on it as if you think it I care?  Ugh! As well, I get a few “expert” literary critics who leave comments which will never be posted wishing to enlighten me to the fact that writing about eating Christians and boiling them alive is too crude and over-the-top to be good, effective satire. Really? I’d never have guessed that. Thanks.

To conclude, I’ll reiterate a few things. I write this blog for very personal reasons. I’m God on it and I approve comments I like. If that aggravates you, good. I want it to. I don’t like you. And BTW, your fly is open. I do not care if what I say isn’t fair, isn’t great satire, is offensive to you, is crude, or doesn’t present a-theism correctly. I’m not presenting a-theist arguments here. I’m here to bother people unfairly. I like it. It gives my a stiffy. I love that I caught Ham on my hook. It means I got to him with the most inane, crude, and nonsensical made-up crap imaginable. I pissed him off. I bothered him. And I truly did not think he’d fall for my trap. THAT makes me feel good. Is it petty? Yes. Childish? Yes. Effective, fair arguing? No. And I can care less. What’s amazing, too, is the idiots who commented how threateningly real the chances actually are I’m really going to eat Mr. Ham. No way in hell that’ll happen folks. I’ve decided I’m eating Pat Robertson on Christmas instead.  BTW, this is BAIT. A lure. It’s on a hook. THE WHOLE POST IS A LURE. And you fish will still bite it, won’t you. I am not what I am. Writing is great therapy and a great release. Gotta go walk my dog and drive my Pastor to the airport in bit. Night all.

42 thoughts on “The Lure, The Hook, Ken Ham, And I Am Not What I Am

  1. “WHAT argument! You read a post about the cannibalization of Christians on a blog filled with utterly ridiculous nonsense written by a clown who says he deserves a Nobel Prize just because he wants one and you think it was intended as a serious argument?!”

    Ah, so the cannibalization part was not to be taken seriously then? I guess I’m just not getting atheism right. I was brought to believe that whoever publicy criticizes the church and religion is a minion of atheist thought. I didn’t expect people could have any other reason for writing.

    Seriously, though…I’m happy your site has gotten so many views and I hope it will receive more than Ken Ham’s site within a few days. Not only because your satire is good, but also because, despite your intentions for writing what you write, there is a message in all your posts that needs to be heard.
    Keep it up…and make sure you don’t overcook Pat Robertson…guys his age only need a little bit of high speed grilling; that way they get crusty on the outside but stay nice and tender within…

    If you ever find the time: perhaps you could right ‘The Atheist Cookbook’, including such favorites as ‘Ken Ham in a honey mustard sauce,’, Pat Robertson on a stick with brussel sprouts and Westboro gravy’ and ‘Ann Coulter pork chops with sprinkles of Michelle Bachmann.’

    Just a thought…spending so much time in McDonald’s these days, I’m simply craving for something else to eat…

  2. Go git ‘em! I already bought my ring-side seat. Sure to be a fun show.

    • Just posted it. “Please Don’t Do This”, and “I made a real threat to Ken Ham”. Fuck you. No way in hell this dude really believes that. Ham’s an idiot. He believed it. But this PZ dude? Fuck me if did. Well, I am eating HIM now instead of Ham. I wonder if PZ thinks THAT is real?

  3. Heh, I saw PZ’s post this morning, I thought the writing style looked familiar :)
    I thought, I’ll bet a nickel I know who wrote that…

    Do what you do ACP, if they don’t like it…fuck em and feed em fish heads.

    • I’m writing a post about PZ right now. I’m hoping to eaze Mr. PZ’s worrries that I actually might eat Ken Ham. I’m changing my menu. I don’t know PZ, but I’m absolutely certain he knows damn well that post was a total joke. So if he wants to play, I’ll play too. I play dirty. I’m gonna rip his ass wide open. I LOVE THIS KINDA SHIT!!! (and it is all a joke with me).

  4. Ah, that was you.

    After reading your post, I’m so glad I haven’t fallen for one of your posts in the past.

    As an aside: When I was younger I had a fishnet body suit and thigh high boots.

    • I’m wearing a fishnet body suit and thigh high leather boots as I write this. I’m holding my lap top with my right hand and typing with my fat belly as my left hand is being used to stir up the oil and seasoning I’m preparing for my Christmas meal. I’ve decided to save Ham until Easter ( more appropriate to eat Ham on Easter) and boil me up some Pat Robertson stew with a dash of Christian infant for Christmas. Yummy. I’ve totally become what I’ve been told I am by not two, not three, not four, but FIVE Christians this past week: A flesh eating a-theist ghoul who has no ability to stop his lowest impulses from being acted on due to his lack of morality as dictated by belief in god. The Christian god though; not any other one, mind you. AWESOME LIFE I HAVE. After I’m done warming up this oil, I’m planning on offending more uppity atheists and creationist whack-jobs by raping me a few old people. HEE HAW!!! OOPS! This didn’t follow the “rules” of good satire writing, did it? SHIT! Oh me, oh my, oh me, oh my! I may have offended me someone who’s just so darn much smarter than little ‘ole me. BOO WHO! Now I’ve gotta rape me a goat to make up for it. Damn! Why ain’t I as smart as them der other kids, Ma? Why?

    • ‘Why ain’t I as smart as them der other kids, Ma? Why?’

      I don’t know about you, but my sister dropped me on my head when I was an infant. I blame everything on her. It’s convenient.

      Are you familiar with Poe’s law?

    • As in Edgar Allan Poe? Or Poe Poop Poop stinky boy. The kid who shat his pants so often his classmates boiled him alive in oil and ate him? OOPS! I fucked up the atheist cause again, didn’t I? Man, I know that PZ dude from that smart blog doesn’t like this kinda shit. SO, I’m gonna plaster it all over every comment section of every post on every … Naw. Fuck it. I’ll just eat PZ. Boil his tight atheist ass up slowly in oil and eat em. DAMN IT!!! I did it again! Bad me! Bad! Oh my sister didn’t drop me on my head, my grandma dropped a piano on it on purpose (she lifted weights).

    • WAIT! You didn’t mean Nathan Poe did you? If you are about to fucking tell me that on a blog written by a guy saying he gave himself a Nobel Prize, with 132 SATIRICAL POSTS, written on it UNDER A BLOG TITLE STATING: THE SATIRICAL MUSINGS OF A SELF_AWARDED NOBEL PRIZE WINNER ON IT, that some idiot wasn’t clear that the ridiculously silly “I’ll Eat Ham on Christmas” post was indeed NOT FUCKING REAL, please go away. I mean it. I will ban your ass to spam and tell wordpress you threatened to eat me if you try. To not get this is evidence of a very severe brain disorder. I get why Ham didn’t read the FUCKING BLOG TITLE!!! Or check out the 700 comments on the 133 silly ass posts on here,or read the IDIOTIC CARTOON of an ABOUT section, but please leave now if you didn’t or you’re going to insult my intelligence with Poe’s law bullshit applied to this blog. Hey, is that dude still alive. I’ll eat em if so. Did you understand THAT intent? Jesus fucking Christ. We are a doomed race. Truly. And Mr. PZ, if you’re reading, DID U GET THAT INTENT? Unfucking real. I’m starting to write more on the brain dead laziness and conformation bias issue the fucking atheist/agnostics are displaying. I expect this shit from theists, but the fucking atheist/agnostics who think I’ll buy the same lazy idiotic shit from them.. OOPS sorry. I was crude again and my intent was unclear. I bet I ruined the cause and wasn’t funny again.

    • You read the title of a blog that says it’s satire and were confused? You did research of said blog to clarify the fuzziness in your head by reading other silly posts with hundreds of silly comments talking about satire and nastiness, and cannibalism in a joking fashion and STILL were confused? You really thought I was boiling human beings alive in oil, eating them, and THEN TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT IT OPENLY online on a blog saying IN THE TITLE it’s satire? Jesus. We are truly fucked. At least the theists are predictable. I picked the wrong group. I stunned. Just stunned.

      Fojap, please accept my apologies for being an asshole in this post. You are very, very welcome here, and this type of bitchy old man shit isn’t acceptable. I feel quite the ass.

    • No, I wasn’t confused. What made you think that I was?

      I just made a comment to be friendly. I’ve seen you comment on Mak’s blog a few times. I’ve stopped by here, but never commented before.

      I saw PZ’s post, but didn’t think it was particularly interesting, so I didn’t follow the links. I came here to this post by one of the keywords on the WordPress reader thingy. I realized that you were writing about the same post PZ had written about and I recognized you from Mak’s blog, which is why I said, “Oh, that was you.”

      Sorry, I guess that wasn’t clear. Yes, I get that this is a joke. I thought Poe’s Law was applicable because it says that fundamentalists never recognize satire. That seemed to apply to Ham. I mentioned myself only as a sort of contrast – I think everything is satire even when it isn’t marked as such. I thought it would be obvious that if I think things not marked as satire are satire, then I would think something marked as satire is satire. I didn’t think I actually had to articulate that part.

      I’m not against you here. I was just trying to be friendly.

    • Sorry brother. Didn’t mean to be such a dick to you. I’ve been up all night cooking people and, well, I’m beat. No. I do apologize. I’m SUCH a BITCH sometimes. It was me being an idiot and jumping to a conclusion as to why you brought up Poe’s Law before I actually let you TELL me why. Mak is a great guy. Thanks for being friendly, and I hope you accept my apology as I most certainly mean it. Please read my nonsense and comment. I appreciate it all. It’s just that I’m SUCH a BITCH when human flesh hasn’t been on my tongue in awhile. That reminds me. have you ever read “A Modest Proposal” by Johnathan Swift? He’s the best satirist who ever lived. The piece is just a pamphlet he handed out on the streets of London in the 18th century advocating that British people eat Irish babies to help curb the Irish population issue ad the British hunger issue at one time. It was satire but didn’t say it anywhere on the pamphlet. HUGE confusion ensued. Look it up and read it if you haven’t. It’s short, but the story behind is really cool too. Again, I apologize. And thanks.

    • No problem. Yes, I know Swift’s pamphlet. Someone gave it to me to read as a teenager without telling me it was satire. Everyone should have that prank played on them at that age.

      “It’s just that I’m SUCH a BITCH when human flesh hasn’t been on my tongue in awhile.” I feel the same way. How off-color do you like your jokes?

    • You can be as off color as you like, as long as you’re not off your rocker, like me. I don’t offend easily. Are you in Europe somewhere?

    • Wait. There be French on your blog. Are you in France and a French man? That’d be cool. I shoulda blogged earlier. It’s friggin’ cool making friends all over the globe from my apt.

    • No, sorry to disappoint you. First – I’m female. Second – I live in Baltimore, MD. Originally from New Jersey. Lived in Quebec City in Canada. Spent most of my adult life in New York City. Spent some time in France and I would move there if I had working papers and a job. I write in French to keep up. I’m sure I make lots of mistakes. My ex-husband is a Francophone, so I have a higher comfort level with the language than my mistakes would indicate. I think that’s the basic outline.

      Where are you?

    • I knew all that about you. I was just making sure YOU knew it. I’m in Chicago in an area near the lake called, Edge Water. Lived here my whole life, in Chicago, I mean. Did a lot of theater and Improv around here back in the day. I did few shows with Second City, too. Kids theater. Fun. Teach myself songs in other languages to keep the mind busy. Working on Sou Gan now. It’s a very old Welsh Lullaby, and is just beautiful.

  5. Dang! My fly is open! And, I am going out this morning! Thanks for the warning. However, I think I will leave it open, just to see if anyone notices.

  6. Blog view count doubled over night. Ham is doing more for my publicity than I ever could for myself. Thanks.

  7. Put up the link to Hams post. I must read it

    • Here you go. http://blogs.answersingenesis.org/blogs/ken-ham/2013/12/20/censored-duck-and-boiled-ham/ It would be so easy to have idiotic banter back and forth with this idiot, but I simply won’t approve such shit. Waste of time. I’ve already won. I’m done with it unless he responds to my rebuttal post, which he might do because I told him he wouldn’t be able to resist. If he does, I’ll respect him less than I do now. If that’s possible. He did exactly what I wanted him to do and doesn’t even know it. IDIOT!!! No wonder he left Australia. Few probably took him seriously there. America should be proud!

    • Classic. I particularly like this line:

      “as the culture has become more secularized and a small minority of God-haters has been allowed to influence the education system and the culture by censoring out the Christian message”

      What, precisely, does he mean by “influence education”? Does he mean influence it with “facts”? How dastardly of the “God-haters”!!! Facts shall not penetrate education when perfectly good Creationist nonsense is available!!!

    • Christians have kept me from teaching a cannibal cooking class in public schools for decades now. How is that not THEM influencing the education system? And Ken doesn’t get that it isn’t god I hate, it’s him.

    • Actually, I never even thought this would be seen seen by Ham. This dude is an attention seeking hound’s wet dream.

    • I think Ken is so desperate for attention that he trolls the net looking for his name. It’s that time of year again when he is going around cap in hand asking for money so he needs to show his donors something, because he sure can’t show them actual “results.”

    • I think you are 100% right on that. You know, I feel like I’ve done something bad, like I made fun of developmentally disabled child or something. These idiots have political power and vote. America is dumb.

    • As an Australian (and a Queenslander) i must apologise for Ken. We’re typically very good heathens down in Oz, but he must have slipped through the cracks. Odd, because of our proximity to the Polynesian islands we have a wonderful supply of plump Islander babies for our barbecues which are hard to pass up. I’m guessing Kens mother wasn’t a very good cook :)

    • LOL! Really, I feel like I just mocked a disabled kid who can’t defend himself and isn’t in reality with us all. He sure has helped my blog though. Off the subject, but if it isn’t too personal, I’m curious as to why many Australians have relocated to Brazil? I’d live there for the women if I could afford to move, but I wasn’t aware of the Australia to Brazil movement til just recently. Just curious is all.

    • Are there many Australians here? There are heaps of Brazilians in Australia (Manly, mostly), but i haven’t met many here, not outside Sao Paulo at least. Brazilians and Australians though share a common love of the outdoors, sports, beach, BBQ’s. Climate is pretty close, too. They appreciate our laid back attitude and we appreciate their love of life. There’s actually a Brazilian saying that goes: “Australia is Brazil that works.” By “works” they mean politically. Politics here is maddening.

    • I must’ve misunderstood what I’d heard to mean Australians are moving to Brazil, when it was the other way around. Brazil is wonderful, and I’ve done some reading up on the politics there. Makes Chicago seem like the cleanest managed place on Earth by comparison. I’d love to visit Australia one day too. Maybe I’ll drag Ham back there and fry his ass up in a desert somewhere. Stories about the kidnapping industry in Brazil had me nervous when I was there. I didn’t go anywhere without a few folks with me. “Mondo Balla” is a very good documentary I watched a few years ago on Brazil’s political climate. I think I spelled that right. Thanks though.

    • That was just awesome. I did not know we were mentioned that specifically in the Bible. AWESOME!!! I wrote a funny and long reply on the Freethinker blog on which a few commentators ( Atheists mind you) actually thought my Ham post was real. Another person was shocked by it’s crudeness and felt I damaged the atheist cause with such things. Of course in my response all I mentioned was that now I was going to eat people from the atheist site too. I mentioned it dozens of time because they said they didn’t like it.

    • Well, at this rate by this time next week you’re going to be the biggest on-line celebrity chef in the world, my friend! Recipes… you NEED recipes!! :)

    • Indeed. I’m adding ANYONE who bothers me to my recipe book too, agnostics, atheists, The Dutch, and of course, lip stick lesbians. Bother me and be eaten. And not in a good way. That’s my motto.

  8. Congratulations! I had this sneaking feeling you’d attract the ire of the wacky Creationists by serving a spit-roasted Ken Ham for Christmas.

    • I’m rather surprised at how easy it was to trigger that idiot. I’m kinda disappointed too. I’ll put the link to his post in the next reply. Fucking idiot. He states somewhere that the post was a real threat. Really? He thinks I’m going to eat him? Now I see how these Creationist idiots can believe what they do. OMG!!!

You. Yes, you! Wadda ya got ta say fer yourself, pal?

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